a new normal

[wayfarer]

WF, I just posted on your thread... I feel you. I am so exhausted too. I love the kintsugi idea but am like omg how long is this going to take? Where are we exactly in this journey? And what if when you get to the end of the whole process, there is still a big shard missing?

So the missing shard thing had me thinking last night. And honestly my immediate reaction was a piece cut to match. That's the thing. Is even is there is a piece missing, it doesn't mean the work was for nothing. Or that you have to give up on the whole thing. The MR 2.0 I think about looks like our old MR on the surface but upon closer inspection it's not. And if we have to mold the new pieces of our selves, because neither one of us is coming out the other side of this the same, to fit then that's what we do. And if we just can't make the pieces work, then at least I know I did everything I could to try to make something beautiful out of this mess. I do have to keep talking myself down about timeline though. This stuff takes time. And I think if we talked more about us. If he said he's trying. If he said he's not looking to move out I think I'd be more patient. Do you think there's anything directly effecting your patience here? You know something that isn't just A type urgency.

Maybe I need to take a break from the boards... IDK. I definitely feel like I've been spending more time here than I should. I think I've been so tied to the idea espoused here that for true R/piecing to happen, the WS needs to be remorseful and open and willing to do whatever it takes to win you back, and I just don't see that ever happening. My H will do MC but I doubt he's going to read all the books or go to workshops or weekend retreats or any of that stuff. It will feel too much to him like control, I think. He thinks I want to wave a magic wand or do a 12 step process and things will all be better. That isn't true (I mean it sure would be lovely! But it isn't what I'm asking for) but I just don't see him being willing to do anything that feels inauthentic.

Just to be clear, when I was listing all those things they should've had ORs in between all of them. H will not doing all of those things. He definitely wouldn't read ALL the books. Maybe 2. I'd be lucky in the long run if he picked 2 things on that list at all, and was willing to talk more about us. I think my H still thinks I'm where we were for our first DC session and wanting like 6 months of intensive counseling and then slowly weaning off if we started to work again. I'm not there any more. Then I wanted him to be fixed. Now I just want us to communicate better and for him to want to work on the MR even if it's in his own way. Which I think is the place you're kinda moving toward now.

But... that deep desire to have had this all be worth it is just so strong. It is what got me this far. And I'm scared that in the end it won't have been enough, he was right all along. We had all these discussions (before I knew the full extent of the A) about the state of our "emotional connection" (I swear if I never have to hear that phrase again I'll be ecstatic). He kept throwing out metaphors to demonstrate it was irreparable and I kept refuting them (bridge could be rebuilt, tree stump regrows, etc). However-- to Sage's point-- I think you need to believe it can be fixed and want it to be fixed in order for it to actually be possible for it to be fixed. And I'm not sure he thinks any of that right now. And I'm starting to get tired of being the only one who believes it.

First even if this all falls flat in the end you get to walk away saying you tried. You did everything you possibly could to try to make this work. You sacrificed for your MR. If nothing else you learned a lot about yourself.

Next, May, he believes it. If he didn't believe it, he wouldn't be there. He's not exactly the guy who would go back to a loveless marriage just for the kids. He's rigidity regarding "authenticity" wouldn't allow him to be in a hollow relationship for appearances sake. He's just got to work around his own narrative for a while until he's willing to really rebuild that connection. It takes two to break it, it takes two to make it.

Sage, I like your thoughts around intention setting and manifestation and think I might do some work around that, really think about the questions you have about what's missing and what I want and focus there. One question, though-- I've tried this whole time to have the focus of work like this on me, not reliant on my H. I feel like what I'm missing now is on his side, not mine (though of course there is still work I can do on myself). Thoughts about that?

Imma second this question. Also manifestation is not to woo,woo for me. I've been trying to manifest my behind off this whole time. And I've been avoiding the whole I want...I have is where I'm at these days.

Also... hahaha, my H is far from perfect. It cracks me up to think that in any way shape or form I can come across as raving about him. He can also still be kind of an a-hole. I am generally better at dealing with it when it happens and he is also generally better about not doing it in the first place and apologizing when he does, but it is still there. And we still bicker about stupid stuff. But overall things are much better.

I also second this. I wouldn't say I'm raving. I mean I'll rave about the sex. That's been pretty fantastic. But who he is in some aspects a much better version of H than I was dealing with before, but he is still not 100% H yet. Every once in a while the body snatcher pops out, he snaps out of it very quickly, but he'll get short with me or the girls for absolutely no reason out of no where. And my H was always kind of a a-hole too. Lol. That hasn't really changed. We're just both better at dealing with each other.

WF-- 3 times a week! Dang, woman! I'm jealous (and Sage, there you are, one of my holes in my current R... I do want to be swept off my feet and made love to all night long by someone who thinks I'm gorgeous and amazing and all the rest.)

Yeah I'm not being told I'm gorgeous or amazing or any of that fun stuff. What we are doing I would not classify as love making. At all. It's not short. It's not disappointing by any means. But it is 100% not love making. And yeah. 3 times a week is a little shocking too. It's been like that since the break up with OW. It hadn't been like that since we first got serious. I can't say in the last 6 years other than on vacation has it been like this. To be totally honest a lot of my R questions are around this because I did really have to beg before. I cried on more than one occasion because his constant rejection started making me feel like it was me not him. But now it's like he can't keep his hands off me. I don't know.

May I know you got this. You will find center. You're going to be able to push through this plateau. I know it. xoxo