DB'ing while living in with a WAS/MLC husband

[LH19]

Blue I am going to start of by saying that I have nothing but compassion for what you are going through and I think about your situation when I can't sleep at night but I have to be honest with you below.

@Steve & LH - I tee'd up the conversation, it went a different direction and long but he shared ALOT. What I now know is that this OW, is not a relationship that he would consider pursuing long term. They meet from 12:30am to 4:30 some nights - watch TV, hang-out and yes, have sex.

So a couple things here. You are listening to his words. His actions state otherwise. He is risking his marriage for this woman so either he really like this woman or he really doesn't value his marriage. Also, never EVER discuss the OW with him. That should be a boundary.

He said he was lonely. For me, the not knowing the extent of this relationship had been very tough for me. If he told me this was a real relationship, the if-he- left- me- he- would- go- to- her kind ... I would have ended it right there.

So I withheld saying anything... to listen. For him, its not this woman that wrecked the marriage - his choice he is grappling with is "me or ______ (nothing)"

.
No affairs are acts of anger -- he has built up a ton of resentment toward you, and since he's avoidant, he hasn't given voice to any of it or worked any of it through. I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, or that you deserve his resentment, it could be completely irrational, but the point is that it exists.

This was a huge blow to me. He is a WAS, not a wayward husband with an A. To me this is even worse!

Its WW BS and semantics at this point anyway.

but was afraid to give me any false hopes or expectation.

This is probably the only time he is being honest with you.

I told him I loved him, that we all loved him and he was good person, just going thru a very hard time.

This is a big time no no! This just reminds him more that he doesn't feel the same right now. You cannot placate him, you cannot "prove your love" through acts of giving and support.

And maybe he could watch TV with me sometime, and how much I would really appreciate that.

Blue this is tough to read. You are begging for scraps. You are so much better then that!

And then started to talk about an offer I had propositioned him with just a few days ago to be intimate. He turned me down...so I came back the following night..and he turned me down again. ugh.

This was tough to read too. You are offering sex to a man who is openly cheating on you and may have contracted diseases. His actions speak volumes in turning you down.

So when he started to speak about it - I cut him off laughing "please not a third rejection!" and he laughed and said he might surprise me sometime soon.

Really tough to read.

He looked very sad.

Mindreading

I let him know that I deeply cared for him and he was going thru a hard time but this was created by him, for him.
Is this compassion or are you trying to make him feel guilty?
[quote=BlueSea] I let him know how much I have learned about myself, and how much of a change I needed to be a better person.

Actions not words.

That I used to pray to God on the drive in to work every morning to 'make me a better wife, a better mother and a better person'. And He delivered!

So how are you a better person?

This was/is the hardest time of my adult life - but I have made some huge changes - and I never would have had that happen otherwise.

What are these changes? Are they real or to get him back?

I was dug in like a tick before and could not extract myself from the unhappy place I was in.

What changed that you are so happy now?

I am sincerely a more lighter, kinder person, a person I used to be.

This is good but its only been like 5 months.

I am back down to my fighting weight, and feel better about myself.

That's great and the best thing I have read today!

He says he sees the new change, and feels it too, and believes its a permanent change.

So is the affair over? Is he going to IC? Are you going to MC. Is there a NC plan in place? Full transparency?

He has to slog thru it - and maybe not having an OW as a distraction would be best - but he will get to the other side stronger and better.

You are trying to control him.

It was a really good night for me

How? What's changed?

He appreciated our talk - he asked for a d.e.a.r session on a minor item for later, I offered to just do it now, it was so minor and after we ended the talk there.

Now sure what that is and I don't think I want to know.

I am going to just enjoy the progress we made - I think it was a really great night for us.

How?

Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but I will be able to sleep tonight.

That's great! Good sleep is important.

I am not going to get too excited - things could change in a second - but I hope and pray that these gears catch.

Blue I am really sorry but I think you are in for a rude awakening. You don't realize it right now but you are making matters worse. Please reread BLueWaves thread.