DB'ing while living in with a WAS/MLC husband

[BlueSea]

@Spiral - Thank you, would you be surprised to know I was a 1950's type wife and have no idea what my finances are? I bet not. I know that. I am waking up. I just always trusted him to take care of me.

@Steve & LH - I tee'd up the conversation, it went a different direction and long but he shared ALOT. What I now know is that this OW, is not a relationship that he would consider pursuing long term. They meet from 12:30am to 4:30 some nights - watch TV, hang-out and yes, have sex. He said he was lonely. For me, the not knowing the extent of this relationship had been very tough for me. If he told me this was a real relationship, the if-he- left- me- he- would- go- to- her kind ... I would have ended it right there. So I withheld saying anything... to listen. For him, its not this woman that wrecked the marriage - his choice he is grappling with is "me or ______ (nothing)".

This was a huge blow to me. He is a WAS, not a wayward husband with an A. To me this is even worse! He is the turned off - not coming back - can't stand you - I am out of here type. He is grappling with committing to this marriage and potentially dooming himself to years of the same unhappiness from before - OR - going into the unknown and rolling the die for happiness.

We talked for a good long time. I told him how unfair it felt that he got to be with someone when he was the one who is the "bad guy" who had the affair and is hurting us all with this behavior. He agreed. I let him know how lonely I was, and how ironic that there were 2 lonely people in the house. I listened as he told me how he felt that there was a possibility with me that he hadn't felt before - but was afraid to give me any false hopes or expectation. I told him I loved him, that we all loved him and he was good person, just going thru a very hard time. And maybe he could watch TV with me sometime, and how much I would really appreciate that. He said he understood that. And then started to talk about an offer I had propositioned him with just a few days ago to be intimate. He turned me down...so I came back the following night..and he turned me down again. ugh. So when he started to speak about it - I cut him off laughing "please not a third rejection!" and he laughed and said he might surprise me sometime soon.

There was more said - but by the end - we were holding hands. He looked very sad. I let him know that I deeply cared for him and he was going thru a hard time but this was created by him, for him. I let him know how much I have learned about myself, and how much of a change I needed to be a better person. That I used to pray to God on the drive in to work every morning to 'make me a better wife, a better mother and a better person'. And He delivered! This was/is the hardest time of my adult life - but I have made some huge changes - and I never would have had that happen otherwise.

I was dug in like a tick before and could not extract myself from the unhappy place I was in. I am sincerely a more lighter, kinder person, a person I used to be. I am back down to my fighting weight, and feel better about myself. Dealing with my teens is no longer battles, but easier, I am more kind/gentle. He says he sees the new change, and feels it too, and believes its a permanent change.

I told him that he will get thru this a better person! He has to slog thru it - and maybe not having an OW as a distraction would be best - but he will get to the other side stronger and better.

It was a really good night for me - he appreciated our talk - he asked for a d.e.a.r session on a minor item for later, I offered to just do it now, it was so minor and after we ended the talk there.

I am going to just enjoy the progress we made - I think it was a really great night for us. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but I will be able to sleep tonight. I am not going to get too excited - things could change in a second - but I hope and pray that these gears catch.