a new normal

[may22]

WF, I just posted on your thread... I feel you. I am so exhausted too. I love the kintsugi idea but am like omg how long is this going to take? Where are we exactly in this journey? And what if when you get to the end of the whole process, there is still a big shard missing?

Maybe I need to take a break from the boards... IDK. I definitely feel like I've been spending more time here than I should. I think I've been so tied to the idea espoused here that for true R/piecing to happen, the WS needs to be remorseful and open and willing to do whatever it takes to win you back, and I just don't see that ever happening. My H will do MC but I doubt he's going to read all the books or go to workshops or weekend retreats or any of that stuff. It will feel too much to him like control, I think. He thinks I want to wave a magic wand or do a 12 step process and things will all be better. That isn't true (I mean it sure would be lovely! But it isn't what I'm asking for) but I just don't see him being willing to do anything that feels inauthentic.

I'm leaning towards your bff here over your counselor in terms of where I should be... just letting go of all my expectations for how R "should" go and doing what feels right to me. And if it doesn't work, if we can't put it all back together again, if the missing piece is too big for me to live with... well, then, I guess we go from there.

But... that deep desire to have had this all be worth it is just so strong. It is what got me this far. And I'm scared that in the end it won't have been enough, he was right all along. We had all these discussions (before I knew the full extent of the A) about the state of our "emotional connection" (I swear if I never have to hear that phrase again I'll be ecstatic). He kept throwing out metaphors to demonstrate it was irreparable and I kept refuting them (bridge could be rebuilt, tree stump regrows, etc). However-- to Sage's point-- I think you need to believe it can be fixed and want it to be fixed in order for it to actually be possible for it to be fixed. And I'm not sure he thinks any of that right now. And I'm starting to get tired of being the only one who believes it.

Sage, I like your thoughts around intention setting and manifestation and think I might do some work around that, really think about the questions you have about what's missing and what I want and focus there. One question, though-- I've tried this whole time to have the focus of work like this on me, not reliant on my H. I feel like what I'm missing now is on his side, not mine (though of course there is still work I can do on myself). Thoughts about that?

Also... hahaha, my H is far from perfect. It cracks me up to think that in any way shape or form I can come across as raving about him. He can also still be kind of an a-hole. I am generally better at dealing with it when it happens and he is also generally better about not doing it in the first place and apologizing when he does, but it is still there. And we still bicker about stupid stuff. But overall things are much better.

WF-- 3 times a week! Dang, woman! I'm jealous (and Sage, there you are, one of my holes in my current R... I do want to be swept off my feet and made love to all night long by someone who thinks I'm gorgeous and amazing and all the rest.)

Thanks, all. I need to spend some time figuring out how to re-center myself and re-focus on me. xx