Riding the Wave 3

[may22]

Hi friend.

Thank you for checking up on me... I needed it. I'm glad you updated here too because I've been thinking about you. i have some thoughts for you though I may mostly be talking to myself as much as I'm talking to you

And then there are times where I look at him and he smiles and winks at me, or grabs at me like he used to and I completely forget how broken we still are just for a little while.

is it so bad to let it go, sometimes? Like you counseled me to do on our anniversary? It is OK to be in the moment and be happy with what is happening right now, no matter what lies unresolved or what might happen tomorrow? I think I mentioned this in a post many months ago, where I heard a guy speak who is close with the Dalai Lama. He said His Holiness is always, always in the moment and feels everything so deeply right then-- but there is zero holdover from one moment to the next. Tears could be streaming down his face as he hears a horrible tale of torture and then the next minute he's cracking up at a joke. Now obviously the Dalai Lama sets a high bar. But is there something else you can do or try to be more comfortable sitting in the moment, especially with all the other things happening all around us right now? I'm thinking I might re-start meditation practice when I can.

I'm just frustrated because I feel like we're stuck. Like we've been in the same exact spot forever. We've been in this stalemate of limbo for months now.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. Totally been there. But then read your next two sentences...

And I know he's growing. And I can see he's changing.

You probably aren't in the exact same place you have been for months. Things have changed. Things continue to change. I definitely see it in your posts, his behavior really shifting and leaning in more and more. MWD talks about setting little tiny achievable goals and seeing if you get there-- wonder if you can do that, or review your own journal or thread to get a bit of distance to see how far you've actually come. Cause it is a long ways.

And I can't rush him if this is what I want. That I need to drop my expectations that this is going to be resolved in one way or another soon.

I hear you, sister.

But he held this I'm moving out narrative over my head for so long every month that goes by I'm waiting for him to tell me he's signed a lease. And every month I watch him go pay the rent here. It's June. And if you look at my first thread. Back In January when he told me he wanted to moved out I said I'd really rather he not go any where until June. It's what's best for me financial. And it's what's the best transition time for the girls. He wanted nothing to do with it.

I feel like you're really holding onto this one. You passed some of the other deadlines-- wasn't he originally wanting to MO in April? And then you guys agreed to talk in April too? Do you think you'll feel differently when he pays the July rent? Or does this whole Covid situation screw that up somewhat?

So question-- what would it take to drop this moving out piece in your head, or at least assign it the same amount of angst as all the other crap? He also hasn't said anything about it in a long, long time. And back then when he was gung-ho to MO he did all KINDS of other things and said all sorts of terrible things that it seems (at least to me, from afar and from what I read that you post) that his day-to-day positive behavior has slowly erased, or at least started to outweigh the effects of most of those other things he had said/done in the past in terms of how you view him. What would it take for you to let go of worrying about the move out part?

I'm not feeling defeated or like my emotions are out of control. I just feel tired. God I feel tired of patiently and quietly waiting him out.

I am so tired too. It is so exhausting. I'm thinking about what you wrote on my thread and the truth is I somehow DO want the fairytale, H to collapse at my feet, OMG I was so wrong and I realized that losing you would tear me apart and how can I ever make it up to you? I probably watch too many sappy movies. And I'm coming to realize that this will probably never happen, even if we totally end up building a blissful M2.0, given who my H is. But this day to day slog of patience and letting go is just a lot. (And... I also see how people in our situations can have rebound/revenge affairs. I was just sitting here thinking how I would feel if some young hot thing came along and looked at me all googly eyed and really listened to everything I said and wanted me after all these months of whatever this is. Good thing we are still on lockdown and that would never, ever happen!)

And I have an idea for you, to take or leave... what if you had a baby R talk? Not a real one, not asking him to commit. Just telling him maybe a little of how you feel? Validating what he said on your anniversary and saying this is weird for me too and I don't know what the future holds but I'm glad you're here? Or something along those lines? It might be a terrible idea, I don't know. But in my case having those tiny little conversations about small things like the Spotify playlist really did help me, without getting into any depth about how he felt or what our future would look like. Just me telling him how I felt about a really specific thing, him listening, and taking action.

(((WF)))