May, thank you. I don't know why I need permission to do what I think is right for me, but in this particular case I needed a voice of reason.
I too thought that nesting was a wonderful idea, pre-BD. Putting the kids first, all for the right reasons, etc. But OMG it is SO hard. I have only been doing it for 6 or 7 weeks and I am ready to be done. Maybe it works well for a couple where both parties are in agreement about the split and can manage their emotions between them better? Who knows. Hats off to those it works for, but it is agonizing for me.
I don't quite know why I wasn't able to establish this boundary from the beginning. My first reaction when he told me he was moving out was that I wanted him out lock stock and barrel. But then I was thinking a lot about the children and protecting them. And also clinging to hope that this was a very temporary situation and didn't necessitate such drastic measures. But H has made no move towards me or the M, if anything he has moved further away. I not really sure what I am protecting anymore? Certainly not me. And vis-a-vis not the children.
I also have concerns about how our interactions are impacting my D's. I would be furious if a man was doing to my daughters what he is doing to me. Am I teaching them that it is OK to be treated like this? They have only ever seen me work my a** off for our business, for our family and for our community. Most if it as a solo parent while he traveled for work. I never complained, ever. I made the best of it for the kids, pretended that our life was 'normal' and kept him in our 'presence' even in his absences. I have audio recordings from when my littles were tiny where they say things like 'I don't care about Daddy' and I would gently admonish them and tell them how much Daddy loves them, tell them a story about them and him, talk about what it would be like when he got home, how he would hug them etc. For him to then up and walk away from me, from our M. Am I teaching them that no matter how good, hardworking or loving you are, you still may be unworthy? Is that what I want them to know about relationships? Is that what I want them to know about their mother?
I have yet to take any major stand in this process, except for not backing down that he own this mess. I am sure that asking for a complete S (no nesting) will instigate D. And if that is the case, maybe it was going to happen anyway and better sooner than later?
