I read your thread yesterday and I'm going to give you my broad take. First, sorry you're here. This [censored], but you can choose to look at the bright side of it and be positive. You have this opportunity and the impetus for growth and true happiness.
Your W is reading out of the same book the other WW's do. I think you made a mistake by saying the open marriage would be OK as a last resort. People make mistakes when they get emotional, so you try to detach and stay in your right mind all the time.
Your focus should begin to shift off of everything she is doing. She is spinning, going crazy, and she even said as much. You need to protect yourself and take care of yourself. You can't fix her through any talking or chivalry. God knows I tried every trick in the book to get my W back but ultimately it was confidence in myself and not pursuing her that let her think about changing her mind.
All the things your W is doing are out of your hands. Let go of the stuff you can't control and focus on what you can. That's where you find true happiness my friend. I'd get out and GAL and think about what you will and won't put up with. I don't think that means you have to decide your in or out of this marriage immediately, but with all the stunts she is pulling maybe you don't want to hug and kiss and hang out. That's up to you though.
Anyways, best of luck to you.
One slight correction, I didn't say an open marriage WOULD be OK as a last resort, I said it could only be considered as a last resort. I know the distinction is slight. Upon further reflection, I decided it would never be OK and this has been communicated to her.
I am only hugging and kissing if she initiates, you can't be the lighthouse and be cold and rejecting.
1. I did get the DBing book yesterday, already finished chapter 4. Although so far (so just about to start the techniques sections). So far it's seem to have a lot of good advice but it feels like it's more for when both people are willing to set goals and work toward them. Would DR have been a better book for my sitch?
2. Last night I was looking for some scissors, and found the journal I previously mentioned she had written in the night before. I couldn't help myself and read it. It was mostly her lamenting about the lost friendship and how she wished she had never started anything, how he "understood her and made her feel again". She was worried this might cost one or both of them their job (not sure how but whatever). One sentence did catch my eye though. "Hell he may have even saved my marriage, but that remains to be seen". While it is nice to see that she at least is considering saving our M, I am still very cautiously optimistic. It's not going to change what I do or need to do but at least now I do have some minor indication that she may be willing to give this a chance and not just telling me what I want to hear to avoid D.
When her actions are consistent over a long period of time.
We get this question a lot. The best answer is that when she is really ready to commit back to the MR you will know. One of our regulars shared the quote: "When they want to reconcile, you will know. When they don't, you will be confused."
But when you know you are no longer Plan B is when she is consistent in you being her Plan A over a long period of time.
I know in my sitch, I wondered the same thing. The truth is it won't be a moment where you go: "she seems like I am Plan A starting now!" What happens as her behavior shifts to support that, you will at some point look back and realize that she has been consistent in her actions that you are now Plan A for a period of time. For me it was like 3 months into Ring that I realized she had been consistent in her actions.
Anyway, I wouldn't worry about that. Her actions are out of your control. Keep the focus on yourself and you actions and you will be fine no matter what she decides.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you. Right now this forum is the only place I feel I can truly share what is going on and get any sort of unbiased advice. I cannot imagine where I would be without it.
So something interesting happened today. We lost power for nearly 2 hours today due to storms moving through the area. Bored with nothing to do, the W downloaded a book onto her phone and we took turns reading to each other. This is something we haven't done since the very earliest years of our R. It was the first time in a long time we felt like our original selves to me. I don't know how she felt about it, and I'm not putting any real stock in it, but it felt good. We used to do this before bed every night back when we first moved in together. Maybe she will want to keep doing it, we shall see.
So something interesting happened today. We lost power for nearly 2 hours today due to storms moving through the area. Bored with nothing to do, the W downloaded a book onto her phone and we took turns reading to each other. This is something we haven't done since the very earliest years of our R. It was the first time in a long time we felt like our original selves to me. I don't know how she felt about it, and I'm not putting any real stock in it, but it felt good. We used to do this before bed every night back when we first moved in together. Maybe she will want to keep doing it, we shall see.
Resist the urge to overreact to things like this. Early on my W would do things like this. And I would try to attach significance to it. You cannot. Remember: Consistent behavior over a long period of time. If she is still doing things like this 6 months from now, with no signs of another EA, then you can trust it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Resist the urge to overreact to things like this. Early on my W would do things like this. And I would try to attach significance to it. You cannot. Remember: Consistent behavior over a long period of time. If she is still doing things like this 6 months from now, with no signs of another EA, then you can trust it.
Yes, I know.
Strangely enough, I feel like I am doing the opposite. With every day that goes by and every little sign she shows me or doesn't show me, I feel like I am trusting her less and less. Last night after she went to bed, I started researching Texas Alimony laws, and required Divorce forms. I started imagining how I would tell her I wanted a divorce. I'm starting to feel like I will never trust or believe her again and that starting over with a clean slate with someone else might be what's better for me. I am going to wait until at least after this weekend, but I am starting to feel like I don't want to save my marriage either.
Is this normal? Is there a way to stop or reverse this in me?
