Trying to be hopeful...

[may22]

Hi Sage,

Trust is a huge issue here. I trust him to be a good Dad. I don't trust much else at the moment.

On one hand, nesting is in the best interest of the children. But it is not in my best interest. And in many ways I have been a mother who has recognized that what's in my best interest is best for the kids. If I can be whole and healthy with him out of the picture, that is better than being a shell of myself and have him coming and going, instigating R talks when it works for him (I have been attempting to avoid them, but they pop up).

I have been the dumping ground for all of H's anger and resentment in our M, as well as the whipping post for all his guilt and shame. I am a strong person, but he has managed to wear me down to a sliver of who I once was.

I think you've answered your own question here. You need to protect yourself-- you need to put on your own oxygen mask first here in order to be the healthy and sane mom you need to be for your kids.There is no reason for you to sacrifice your sanity and health just to make it easier for him to cake-eat. If he's worn you down to a sliver of your old self-- stand back up and grab yourself back, girl. It really doesn't sound like that is possible in this nesting scenario. How will you have privacy for yourself, your things, etc?

Also, for your children-- I think it is SO much more important for them to see you healthy and happy than where they sleep every night. Also, I imagine four children are difficult enough to manage without adding this enormous trauma, likely little sleep, etc on top of it. They need you at the top of your game to help them navigate through this, and you can't do that if your H keeps cake-eating at the expense of your sanity.

I can totally relate to how you're feeling as pre-A H and I learned about the nesting concept and both of us were like wow, that makes sense, really great to see the parents putting their kids first. And then when it looked like H was really considering walking, I was like H3LL NO, that will never, ever happen. I had this almost physical reaction to the idea. If H wanted to walk, he could do it-- but I wasn't going to do a single thing to help him out. I certainly wasn't going to spend a single night out of my own home. If he wanted to go, he could find his own place. If it ended up we'd need to sell the house, I'd do that before I subjected myself to being around him once he left. (Wow, thinking back I was maybe inappropriately angry about the whole idea. It truthfully took me awhile to go from feeling like if he walked I was going to hire the meanest L I could and burn down his whole life to acknowledging that we could be cordial co-parents, though never friends.

So I say-- let him be the one to do the heavy lifting and find a place if he wants to go. Maybe you can find some level of compromise here for financial reasons-- perhaps he could rent a small place and he could hang with the kids at your place for an evening, put them to bed etc., a few nights a week while you go off and do fun things on your own, then you'd switch off and he'd go to his apartment to sleep. If the kids don't need bedrooms at his place, he could also have them over during the day. I know I've seen at least one sitch on the boards that worked that way, usually with smaller kids, where the WS would spend time at the former family home with the children. (Maybe HopeCA?) It may not be ideal, but could be more workable from a financial perspective and then you could still reclaim your home and wouldn't have to see him quite as often, and would be able to sleep in your own bed every night.

You already sound so much stronger than you did when you first started posting.