Just journaling: So a lot has happened and not a lot has happened at all since the anniversary. And I'm finding myself in an incredibly uncomfortable space for me. I know part of this is the protests and riots happening in my city amping up my anxiety. But I can feel myself running through the stages of grief over this/him/us at a rapid fire pace. I'm mostly calm and collected. But if I'm left alone in my thoughts too long I feel like I'm drowning in all the things that we're just not saying. And then there are times where I look at him and he smiles and winks at me, or grabs at me like he used to and I completely forget how broken we still are just for a little while. June 1st is 6 years we've been living together as one family under one roof. Father's Day is around the corner and I sat down with the girls to pick out gifts. Planning weekends coming up this month. Every day gets a little more like we were. He offered to drive my bff's husband to pick up his car from the shop instead of me having to go. He messages me more and more midday to just chat. He's consistent and conscientious about telling me where he's going and what he's doing and checking in with me if it's been longer than anticipated. Checking if I need or want anything on the way home. But we say absolutely nothing about our relationship to each other ever. I'm just frustrated because I feel like we're stuck. Like we've been in the same exact spot forever. We've been in this stalemate of limbo for months now. And I know he's growing. And I can see he's changing. And I can't rush him if this is what I want. That I need to drop my expectations that this is going to be resolved in one way or another soon. But he held this I'm moving out narrative over my head for so long every month that goes by I'm waiting for him to tell me he's signed a lease. And every month I watch him go pay the rent here. It's June. And if you look at my first thread. Back In January when he told me he wanted to moved out I said I'd really rather he not go any where until June. It's what's best for me financial. And it's what's the best transition time for the girls. He wanted nothing to do with it. Steve85 said something to the effect that it was all words, just words, and "I bet he'll still be there in June." Well he's still here. And in some ways a better husband than he had ever been. In just about every way a much better husband than he was when he told me there was no way he'd stay until June. I'm not feeling defeated or like my emotions are out of control. I just feel tired. God I feel tired of patiently and quietly waiting him out.
