Not much new to report. I've been reaching out to friends, and old friends, and getting caught up with them. Many are surprised at what's happened, always stating how happy we had seemed together. I guess this is probably a common response. I've been taking brisk walks in the mornings and trying to get my mind off things by reengaging with my interests, including some that I hadn't been involved with for years. I'm spending a lot of time trying to envision what my future life is going to be like, and how things in time might not be so bad and that I might actually feel freedom and happiness with the next chapter of my life.
Had to meet up with the W the other day for a dog transfer and to briefly talk about our taxes and what to do with the government stimulus debit card that arrived with both our names on it. We botched up where we were supposed to meet which added more tension to the get together than what should have been necessary. She's even more different now, only three weeks after my moving out, than she was during the five weeks between BD and moving out. Decidedly distant and for the first time ever, wielding a hard to hide feeling of what seemed like contempt.
I left the meeting feeling like this is a completely different person than the one I had been with for the past 14 years. Seeing her like that makes it easier to let go and to say to heck with all of this. If this is what she's become why would I ever be interested again? I wish I could say I'm at a point where it didn't bother me at all, but getting to that point is going to take a long time. It was only several months ago when she was still acting like a wife, though things were definitely stirring behind the scenes and below the surface more than I realized at the time. Man do I wish I had realized the severity of the upcoming storm during the second half of last year. In the interest of harmony I didn't address the apparent unhappiness as seriously as I should have thinking it would just go away and work itself out like it had during prior negative cycles. Bad Mistake! Not a mistake I'll ever make again. I'll always believe that this marriage was salvageable, and could have been immensely improved for both of us, if only I hadn't been so conflict avoidant. Too late now.
I'm still going through a grieving process just two months since BD. I'm trying my best to snap out of it by GALing, as mentioned earlier. When considering denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, I'd say right now the anger is probably where I'm at more than the others. I don't know if they're suppose to go in that order or if they're felt with a lot of overlap, each one intensifying at times, subsiding, then coming back. It's going to be rough, I still love and miss the woman I knew ( I don't love the one I saw the other day), I was never as close to anyone as I had been with her for all that time, but I have no choice but to move forward and try to weather this storm the best I can. I wish I could just turn a switch and I'd instantly be Detached, but I realize it's a process and I'll get there in time.
