There is an element of pretending at first. We call it "fake it until you make it". But the idea of detachment isn't necessarily and outward thing. It is inward.
I like to say that detachment is getting to a place where your W could come to you and admit to an orgy with 12 guys, and you would have no visceral, emotional reaction to it. In other words, not being emotionally affected by her words and deeds.
I think I have a way to go in that area then. How can I not feel hurt if something like that happened?
I didn't say it was easy. However, it is all about expectations. Right now you should have no expectations of her. She may be sleeping with someone else. She may not be. You expect that she is not because, well,. you are still married. Likely to her right now she feels single, and that the marriage is just a legal construct that needs to be dealt with at some point. You expect that she still sees you as her husband. Likely she does not as most WASs/WSs consider the marriage over in their own minds after BD. You expect that she is the the same girl you married. SHE IS NOT!
This is why we encourage LBSs to have NO, NONE, ZERO expectations. Expectations will set you back. They will destroy. The expectations, that you may still be holding on to, are not realistic expectations at this point. They are your defense mechanisms kicking in to help you deal with what you are going through.Probably the hardest thing LBSs deal with is the reality of what is happening. It is easier to bury your head in the sand and pretend.
I had a close friend, the only person that knows both me and my W (she was a friend prior to our getting married) that helped me face the reality of what I was facing. She, like our own sandi, had been a WW herself. And she pulled no punches with me. One of the things I remember her telling me blatantly, in no uncertain terms, was when I was wondering why she was behaving the way she was, she told me: "Because Steve she wants to screw other guys!!!" She knew because she had been there.
Andy, what I am trying to get you to see here is that ANYTHING can come to light. Now that your situation has progressed to the point it is, you should be ready to face just about anything. Even what I just told you above.
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
I already see some common LBS mistakes you are making. For instance I can tell from your statement: "She hasn't tried to settle the divorce at all, but I imagine that is because she just wants it to go to a judge so I don't think that is really any indication of anything." that you are wanting to place significance on the fact that she isn't pushing the D forward faster. You are trying to talk yourself out of that significance but you still have an underlying belief that this may be an indication that she isn't sure about what she is doing. That is an expectation. Lots of LBS put a lot of significance on the D itself. They panic when the WAS pushes it forward and relieved when they don't.
The fact is that WASs are notoriously lazy about D. Most of the time it is the LBS that eventually goes and files, or hires a lawyer to push it forward, after a period of time has passed with no movement on it from the WAS. Think about it, she right now has no incentive to push the D forward. She has her own place, she is on her own. She can come and go as she chooses, and she can do whatever she wants with whomever she wants any time she chooses. She has no responsibilities, no child care, etc. She is living her fantasy that popped into her head and some point in the past. She is moving on with her life whether or not the D is settled or not! So you see, the D has no bearing on her and what she does, yet you are placing significance on it, as most LBSs do.
So back to the original point. All of this behavior that she is already engaging in SHOWS that you have to be prepared for anything. Is she engaging with her kids at all right now? You mention you and her have limited contact, is she staying in touch with her two sons at all?
So yes, detachment means that you get yourself to a place where her crazy has no emotional effect on you. That is not something that happens overnight, it is a process that you have work on overtime. I can tell you Andy, that when my situation really started to change was when my W could say and do anything, I was unaffected by it. I learned the power of "oh, ok." As if she was telling me it was raining.
So work on it. It helps if you are staying busy. Those that struggle detaching the most are the ones that do the poorest job at GAL.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
