During MC last night, I woke up angry from everything. I'm not so much hurt and angry compared to the first A I found out about. More importantly, the lying about it. Our MC said he believes that she was trying to protect from more hurt but it's impossible for me to heal, therefore, allowing us to heal, if she keeps secrets, lies, or tries to protect me from her poor choices. He suggested she writes down any skeletons in the closet that I may or may not find out one day. By being honest she is actually depositing into the trust bank. Otherwise, the next thing I learn will get us back to zero. I said I don't want any details, just generalizations, of anything that I need to know. My W is adamant that there were no OM, that she knows what she lost when we separated. That she has always loved me but she was so insecure and depressed she did what she did. This is why I want her to go to IC weekly...which was suggested by our MC. He told her that she has a lot of work to do or we will be in the same place sometime in the future. She agreed.
She said the first guy was a one time thing, that it wasnt an affair. It was cheating but she never, ever, wanted him. A few months went but when the actual affair with the second guy began (the first one I found out about). That lasted over a year. She did build feelings for him but looking back now they weren't true feelings. He's a nice guy but nothing compared to me, something she lost sight of. She says as it continued, she became more and more depressed, ashamed, and lost. She lied to everyone in her life. After BD, she lost the most important people in her life (D, me, parents, siblings, friends), and she began to realize what was important to her.
Our MC notes the difference in my W from yesterday compared to when we met him a few weeks after BD. Yesterday was remorseful, emotional, and a whole lot of guilt. Compare that to meeting after BD which was anger, resentful, unapologetic, and accusatory. He pointed out that says a lot on where she is. My W admits she has a lot of work to do on herself. That she wants to feel secure with herself, something she hasn't in awhile. She said her family makes her more secure than anything else she has ever had. She just needs to believe that in herself as well.
In the end, I said I will take one day at a time. She needs to continue to work on herself and she has agreed to the following; weekly IC, quitting the bar job (opening in a few weeks), talking with my mother, continue allowing me access to all accounts (my W even has said numerous times she will delete all social media and get rid of her smart phone...which I don't want to do because I don't want the resentment later), and writing down all skeletons to clear the air to be able to rebuild.
I realize she could resent me wanting her to quit the bar. To give you a little background, she net her first H there, met me there, and met both OM there. We spoke about the drinking and how that leads to poor decisions. We both agreed to reduce the drinking (gotten a little out of control with being home for months). That bar she works at is such a bad influence so the MC said since there are so many haunting stories that came from there, it is time to close that chapter. Again, she has agreed to all of this.
I'm struggling with it all. I'm trying to give her another chance but I have nothing left in me to find out anything else. She needs to prove herself, her honesty, her faithfulness, her love to me, everyday. I need to continue MC and IC to process my emotions and work on my faults. I didn't do anything to deserve this but I'm trying to use this to make a better me.
As a always, thank you for your support and advice.
