a new normal

[wayfarer]

Hey May,
I've been lurking on you but haven't had much to say. Since the anniversary I've been in a really weird space and I'm only really commenting when I feel like I can contribute anything of use. But I wanted to drop in and let you know I'm here an I care. And I'm paying attention I'm so glad to hear how well that talk went for you. And I'm even more excited to hear how you're working on our 2 favorite things patience and control...lol.

It is ironic that for years and years, what I have right now would have been absolutely ideal. Great H, father, partner, funny, caring, supportive, doing waaaaay more of the cooking and shopping and household work than he ever had before, and mostly not bothering me for sex... I would have been in heaven. Now, of course, I want the whole package. I think also for me I've had this vision, stemming from all the reading I've done about infidelity and recovery, that maybe we had to go through this trauma in order to get to M2.0 that will be way better and more fulfilling than M1.0 ever was. I think I want this to all have been worth it.

My IC and my bff asked me this week how are H and I getting along. Kind of a yeah I get it you're sleeping together and stuck in the house but how are you really doing thing. And I said great. We get along great. We don't fight. We still get a little annoyed with each other once in a while. But it's mostly him taking jokes too far or getting moody. Or me and my "well actually" or when I say my this or my that instead of our. For some reason that gets him lately. IDK. But he's exactly the H I wanted like a year ago. Helpful around the house. Helpful with the family workload period. We have sex 3 days a week when I had to beg for it before. He's thoughtful. He's considerate. But I think that has also caused a lot of the weirdness I'm feeling right now. Like I want all the crap I've been through to be worth it. Just like you said. With this version of my H. But with the romance. Like the sex is great. The parenting is great. The roommate part is great. But I'm ready for my whole husband. And I'm so tired of being partly his wife. Honestly I think this is where the idea of piecing comes from. Because with my experience as a WW and now as an LBS I can see the relationship doesn't come back all at once with a cheater on their knees begging for forgiveness. This isn't the movies. We have to each put our selves back together first. Then then MR comes back together one piece at at time. Then it's a matter of structuring all those pieces back together in a very kintsugi kind of way. While the process is beautiful. It's really exhausting.

(And as an aside, I think with the May the controller dynamic, this is probably the only way forward for us as a couple-- he really needs to feel an equal partner and contributor to the pace and work, etc.)

This also came up with IC and bff this week, but in diametrically opposing ways. IC wanted to know what I felt I needed from him if he says he wants to try. I said he needs to fix himself, and be willing to work on the MR. I want him in IC and I want do what ever he's willing to tolerate to work on our MR: counseling, retreats, webinars, online classes, workshops, books, I don't care as long as it isn't more of the same. And we can't just pretend none of this happened. I know he's not ok. He really should speak to someone. Also I've been doing all this work on me. For what if we do R and I just let him dictate that too? IC felt, like all the vets and all the books say, that I have every right to require something of him for him to return. And that it can be whatever I feel I need. But that I may need to work on gentle ways of asking for what I need, because let's be real, I'm not gentle. Bff however felt more that maybe my expectations need to be a little lower because IC is a super personal decision. That maybe I really need to focus on what I want from him as far as working on our MR and in the process he might come to the conclusion on his own that he should address somethings. Because well, I have control issues, (shock right?) and she worries that me demanding what I think I need would set us back instead of trying to find a way to collaborate on getting back on track. That equal partner thing....ugh. I know that's the goal but dear lord why does this have to be so much work? lol

I feel like my sitch is always about 2 or 3 steps behind yours. So your posts always give me hope, and somethings to think about going forward. But they also remind me that I'm just not done being exhausted yet. Lots of love, May.
xoxo