a new normal

[may22]

Hi Sage,

You're completely right on the timeline and my impatience. Patience has always been very difficult for me and this entire situation has been an exercise in learning to stretch that muscle, but it is still uncomfortable for me and something I need to keep working on. I don't think I had specific expectations, or if I did they were further out, like I thought it would take a good three months for him to get over AP and be in a place where rebuilding the M with me would be possible, and maybe six months to a year to get to a place where we'd at least know if it was going to work or not.

It is just that it takes a toll, not feeling wanted (which would make my H go nuts given the SSM). In the crisis mode, where you probably are right now and I was for a good amount of time, not knowing what was going on with the AP, was he going to choose to stay or go, worrying all the time about the children and finances and all the rest-- you're running on adrenaline. Your whole body is in fight-or-flight and I shoved down a lot of the feelings I had about what I was feeling personally about the whole thing in order to stand, to DB, to focus on the children (which was what I told myself over and over was the reason I was even willing to stand for the M). With some distance and a measure of safety, I have gone through some bouts of anger and also feeling the loss for myself of a romantic/loving H. I saw what you wrote on Pommy's thread and that re-establishment of limerence, dating, romantic gestures-- none of that is present right now and TBH I want it.

It is ironic that for years and years, what I have right now would have been absolutely ideal. Great H, father, partner, funny, caring, supportive, doing waaaaay more of the cooking and shopping and household work than he ever had before, and mostly not bothering me for sex... I would have been in heaven. Now, of course, I want the whole package. I think also for me I've had this vision, stemming from all the reading I've done about infidelity and recovery, that maybe we had to go through this trauma in order to get to M2.0 that will be way better and more fulfilling than M1.0 ever was. I think I want this to all have been worth it.

A couple of months ago I went through an angry phase and really wanting my questions answered, and some wise folks on this board talked me down and said exactly what you're saying-- take it slow, his timeline is not yours, let it be. He is doing what he can right now. And I was actually able to do that until the last couple of weeks when I started agitating again about wanting to close the door on the questions about the A. I actually feel really good about that part, I'm glad we got through it, it was far, far better than the same conversation would have gone two months ago. So, my dropping expectations, refocusing on myself and what I can control, and letting him go through his own process-- in that case it worked. I just need to keep doing it. (And as an aside, I think with the May the controller dynamic, this is probably the only way forward for us as a couple-- he really needs to feel an equal partner and contributor to the pace and work, etc.)

Thanks for this... it was really helpful.