Trying to be hopeful...

[Pommy99]

Can I ask you what you said when you were vocal about what you wanted? How did you communicate this? And what did you want? And how you stood up for yourself? I think we have similar situations with H's that felt emotionally and/or physically abandoned by us so going completely dark is potentially more of the same.

I honestly dont know if what I did helped, but I sure felt stronger for telling him. It was after his massive u-turn last month - wanted to come home but changed his mind 3 days later. I asked for a R talk, and I got the usual "I want someone sexy/confident/fun" blah blah. And at the end I said that it's really sad that I look at you my husband, and I dont recognise you any more. You're my husband but I dont see a husband, and we've not had anything akin to a marriage for a long time. I said I dont want to be in this situation any longer [us being 'friends', seeing each other constantly], I want a husband, someone who will pick me up when I fall, someone who will lift me, and be there for me emotionally and physically, someone who cherishes me and is proud to have me. I'm sick of being told I'm not X,Y or Z. I said that whilst I was not anywhere near ready to look for another relationahip, I had been chatting to a couple of guys online, and it was so nice to have people tell me that I'm attractive, and funny and confident, and to talk to people that have the same interests as me. And he said "yeah, but that's just a hookup site, they only want sex". And I said no, it's not, these are "real" people, and I told him about the two i was speaking to - professionally succesful, into the same sports as me, loved to travel etc. And he wanted to know how old, marital status, had I spoken to them on the phone, did they have kids, where did they live!! I kept it vague but honest. And he finished up by saying right here, right now, he couldnt be that H that I wanted. And after that I completely dropped the rope, and he has come running. And when he asked for more informtaion about Mr XXX I refused to tell him. Since then, as you know, he has asked for me to take him back. It's very early days right now, but what I do feel is different is that for the first time he has acknowledged his role in the M. I dont know if this is anything to do with what I said about what I wanted and how he hadnt acted like a H. He has said that up until now, he has focused on me and what he felt was missing for him, and he has completely overlooked his role in the M, and what he should have brought to the M, and questioning how his role and his treatment of me has contributed to me being (or not being ) X,Y, Z.

And did you ever confront your H about the EAP? Did you draw a boundary around that?

This was messy. I knew about her for a year, after I overheard him talking outside the back door in the pouring rain one Saturday morning. A real cutesy conversation , that he tried to tell me was his brother!. He said she was "just a friend". And then he pulled me in and told me he wanted our M to work. A few days later I found a load of receipts for the city's finest restaurants and wine bars- like £150 on a week night, dinner for two. And I went mad. And there were more lies over the next couple of weeks. I didnt give him an ultimatum but I said if it carried on I would find it very difficult to remain in the M. He then told her he couldnt hang out with her anymore....but they went to the same gym and had the same social circle so it never really ended. And every week he travelled to the city and I was a mess not knowing what the h3ll was going on in my M, or what he was up to in the city. He kept it all covered up - gaslighted me, made me feel I was going mad, that I was paranoid, he swore blind he wasnt in touch, and just before Xmas I found a load of things that proved he was very much in contact with her. After that I asked him to leave, and he asked for more time to work out what he wanted. I realy should have stuck with it and pushed him to leave. I dont think I had a boundary - I didnt know what that should be. It was more a deal-breaker, and at one point in January, after he'd said he would break contact with her, I did tell him that if it carried on I would take steps to end the M. He didnt break contact with her. I never found anything to suggest it was a PA - he swears blind it wasnt. But he was definitely heavily invested in her emotionally. He wouldnt even take a day off work during school hols to spend with his kids as it would mean losing a day's pay - but he took a day off to spend with her one time before Xmas. And he was in hotels every week so he had perfect opportunity for a PA.

Has your H admitted to the EA?