Agree with Alison-- do nothing, continue to work on detaching, make the decision that is the right one for you and the kids.
On the trip-- if you take all the safety and quarantine-related stuff out of the picture, if it were me I would see two possible options for the trip-- one, I would spend the whole time feeling anxious and angry imagining my H with the AP, or two, I'd be able to really relax with my sister, have people around me who love me and care about me, and use the time to truly detach and not give a $hit about what my H may or may not be up to. I don't know where on your journey you are, though it sounds like you're moving well along in the detachment zone. If you can use this opportunity to really invest in yourself, get a breather from him, spend time with your children and your family... that sounds pretty amazing.
If you do decide to go, you really have to be strict with yourself about dropping the rope and not worrying about what may or may not be happening. Throughout the fall when I knew about the existence of the AP, but only that it was someone he had an "emotional connection" with and also he had said they were no longer in contact (which was a lie), I twisted myself in pretzels every time he traveled for work to her city. It was awful and I don't wish that on anyone. I would try to be as honest with yourself as possible about where you are and if you are indeed in a place where you can let it go and use it as a big opportunity to advance your own healing and detachment, or if you aren't there yet. No judgment either way.
(on the safety side-- I would take that all very seriously, though I wouldn't use it as an excuse for yourself to make the decision not to go. (feel free to use it as the reasoning for your H, though.) In my state, the quarantine restrictions are no joke and violators are being arrested. It may not be all that fun of a vacation if you can't leave your sister's house, though I don't know, obviously, what the regulations are there. I'd just do some research on all of that before making the decision and what it would really be like once you got there.)
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
His continued communication with her also brings up emotions for me and our current situation with nesting. He has a pretty ideal situation: lovely home, kids whose lives aren't too disrupted by the S, doesn't have to think about really moving out, doesn't have to think too much about the general maintenance of the kids (there is always food in the house, I keep it clean and do the kids' laundry, I do most of the at home schooling). AND he gets to keep his EA going.
Ugh, Sage, I had this with my own cake-eating H - lovely home life 4 days a week, with the kids, and 3 days away in the city, living it up, socialising, having fun, no responsibilities, EAP (or whatever). There was no reason for it to change - he had the best ov everything. I held on to the rope for far too long, because he gave me enough breadcrumbs to keep me interested. I was needy, clingy etc. All the times I pulled away, he pulled me back, and so we repeated this for a year. I agree with Alison and May. Pull back and do nothing. I had some great advice on my thread (part 3) in the last week from May & Wayfarer about dropping the rope and how to behave (or not) in my interactions. For me, I got to a point where I'd had enough. I dont know if it did any good but I was vocal about what I wanted and I began to stand up for myself, I began to value myself and know my own worth. I cut him off basically, and started to plan without him - I booked a trip for me and my girls. Previously (in the last year) I wouldnt plan anything because of limbo and not knowing if we would or wouldnt be together. I arranged trips out, BBqs (as much as I can in lockdown). I had also recently bought a few bits for the house and garden, changed the photos in the house (removed the ones of him) . Our lives go on without him and i felt strong being independent of him. This has put me back in the driving seat - not in terms of the M, but in terms of my own destiny. You will get there - you are stroing enough, and you deserve more. Remember your worth. You cant control his timeline, unfortunately, but you can certainly give him plenty to think about when you take control of yourself again. {{hugs}}
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
Dearest Pommy, thank you for your response. I am working on dropping the rope, leaving all my expectations behind and just going as dark as I can, made more complicated by the fact we run a business and have 4 kids together.
Can I ask you what you said when you were vocal about what you wanted? How did you communicate this? And what did you want? And how you stood up for yourself? I think we have similar situations with H's that felt emotionally and/or physically abandoned by us so going completely dark is potentially more of the same.
I have been doing a lot of reflecting on what I contributed to in the decline of our M and a part of me wants to share these thoughts with H. Maybe in an email as we are not spending much time together right now. But I also am not sure if that is the right thing to do. Last time I was vulnerable and 'owned' my side of the street, he was really receptive and we reconciled a few days later (for only 36 hours, mind you). He hasn't shown any interest in reconciling since, although he is very suspicious about my whereabouts and whom I may be spending time with. If you don't care about someone, then you would be happy they are moving on, I believe.
And did you ever confront your H about the EAP? Did you draw a boundary around that?
If anyone has thoughts on any of this, I am open to 2x4's or support!
Can I ask you what you said when you were vocal about what you wanted? How did you communicate this? And what did you want? And how you stood up for yourself? I think we have similar situations with H's that felt emotionally and/or physically abandoned by us so going completely dark is potentially more of the same.
I honestly dont know if what I did helped, but I sure felt stronger for telling him. It was after his massive u-turn last month - wanted to come home but changed his mind 3 days later. I asked for a R talk, and I got the usual "I want someone sexy/confident/fun" blah blah. And at the end I said that it's really sad that I look at you my husband, and I dont recognise you any more. You're my husband but I dont see a husband, and we've not had anything akin to a marriage for a long time. I said I dont want to be in this situation any longer [us being 'friends', seeing each other constantly], I want a husband, someone who will pick me up when I fall, someone who will lift me, and be there for me emotionally and physically, someone who cherishes me and is proud to have me. I'm sick of being told I'm not X,Y or Z. I said that whilst I was not anywhere near ready to look for another relationahip, I had been chatting to a couple of guys online, and it was so nice to have people tell me that I'm attractive, and funny and confident, and to talk to people that have the same interests as me. And he said "yeah, but that's just a hookup site, they only want sex". And I said no, it's not, these are "real" people, and I told him about the two i was speaking to - professionally succesful, into the same sports as me, loved to travel etc. And he wanted to know how old, marital status, had I spoken to them on the phone, did they have kids, where did they live!! I kept it vague but honest. And he finished up by saying right here, right now, he couldnt be that H that I wanted. And after that I completely dropped the rope, and he has come running. And when he asked for more informtaion about Mr XXX I refused to tell him. Since then, as you know, he has asked for me to take him back. It's very early days right now, but what I do feel is different is that for the first time he has acknowledged his role in the M. I dont know if this is anything to do with what I said about what I wanted and how he hadnt acted like a H. He has said that up until now, he has focused on me and what he felt was missing for him, and he has completely overlooked his role in the M, and what he should have brought to the M, and questioning how his role and his treatment of me has contributed to me being (or not being ) X,Y, Z.
Originally Posted by Sage4
And did you ever confront your H about the EAP? Did you draw a boundary around that?
This was messy. I knew about her for a year, after I overheard him talking outside the back door in the pouring rain one Saturday morning. A real cutesy conversation , that he tried to tell me was his brother!. He said she was "just a friend". And then he pulled me in and told me he wanted our M to work. A few days later I found a load of receipts for the city's finest restaurants and wine bars- like �150 on a week night, dinner for two. And I went mad. And there were more lies over the next couple of weeks. I didnt give him an ultimatum but I said if it carried on I would find it very difficult to remain in the M. He then told her he couldnt hang out with her anymore....but they went to the same gym and had the same social circle so it never really ended. And every week he travelled to the city and I was a mess not knowing what the h3ll was going on in my M, or what he was up to in the city. He kept it all covered up - gaslighted me, made me feel I was going mad, that I was paranoid, he swore blind he wasnt in touch, and just before Xmas I found a load of things that proved he was very much in contact with her. After that I asked him to leave, and he asked for more time to work out what he wanted. I realy should have stuck with it and pushed him to leave. I dont think I had a boundary - I didnt know what that should be. It was more a deal-breaker, and at one point in January, after he'd said he would break contact with her, I did tell him that if it carried on I would take steps to end the M. He didnt break contact with her. I never found anything to suggest it was a PA - he swears blind it wasnt. But he was definitely heavily invested in her emotionally. He wouldnt even take a day off work during school hols to spend with his kids as it would mean losing a day's pay - but he took a day off to spend with her one time before Xmas. And he was in hotels every week so he had perfect opportunity for a PA.
Has your H admitted to the EA?
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
I just had a discussion with H and I need some insight in how to handle this. He needs to find a new housing situation and his decision is contingent on whether or not I can continue 'nesting'. With four children, it makes a difference in the size of the house (and cost) of whatever longer-term rental he chooses. With very little income coming in right now, there is a financial benefit to both of us to continue nesting and he rents a smaller place. But it means I have to commit to nesting for at least 6 months, which I am not sure I am able to do right now. Some of our interactions when we switch out are pleasant and some of them are really hard on me (if he is tired and cranky and starts up with the list of the reasons he dislikes me). Nesting requires a huge amount of trust, communication and willingness to put aside all of our issues for the sake of the kids. The latter, I can do. But the trust issue is hard (his ongoing EA) and the communication part is good some days and bad others. Part of me wants him out of my life so we can both move on in the direction we need to be our best selves. The other part of me is scared to commit to each of us having our own homes because it all feels so much more real. And it would be harder on the kids, at least in the initial transition period. What should I do? Any thoughts or experience with this?
I am not sure what you mean by nesting. Nesting usually means you are home for a week and he is gone. Then he is home for a week and you are gone. Do you mean cohabitation?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
No, not cohabiting, but nesting as you defined it. Although we are switching out more often than a week on week off due to the age and needs of our children.
Sage - it seems like trust is affecting your decision. Do you trust that the nesting arrangement is in the best interests of your children and your H will act reliably and responsibly as their father? Can that be separate to you trusting him, or not, in the fidelity sense? (I know they are not separate - a good father does not cheat on the mother of his children - but I ask this as the trust issue seems important to you and it might help you get clarity on it.
Trust is a huge issue here. I trust him to be a good Dad. I don't trust much else at the moment.
On one hand, nesting is in the best interest of the children. But it is not in my best interest. And in many ways I have been a mother who has recognized that what's in my best interest is best for the kids. If I can be whole and healthy with him out of the picture, that is better than being a shell of myself and have him coming and going, instigating R talks when it works for him (I have been attempting to avoid them, but they pop up). He is cake eating and doesn't have to make a decision about what he wants if we are nesting.
I have been the dumping ground for all of H's anger and resentment in our M, as well as the whipping post for all his guilt and shame. I am a strong person, but he has managed to wear me down to a sliver of who I once was. I am gaining myself back slowly and have done a good job of it when we are NC, but it's like the sight of me brings out this other person in him. This other person unnerves me, I have never not had an open, loving, communicative R with this man. I just want to hug him and for him to tell me it was all a big mistake, he is sorry and we are going to work on things.
I just don't see that happening if he is able to continue to nest and I don't set a boundary around protecting myself and what works best for me. I am scared to death of committing to something like nesting for the next 6 months only to find out next week that it was a huge mistake and I can no longer suffer through it any longer.
