May, you are so self-reflective and aware of the complex dynamics happening with your H and within your R. It is impressive.
Reading your post, the thing that keeps standing out to me is that you both need more time. When you look deep, what are your expectations for the timeline of this process? Did you hope that it would move more swiftly than it has? How is that impacting your view of your current status? Or impacting your feelings towards H?
From an outsider's perspective, the time between the end of the PA and today seems like a relatively short period of time. Especially since this A was going on for 2 years. All the folks in piecing (BluWave being a prime example) have taken years to get to the bottom of some of the issues you are reflecting on.
Do you think that your self-awareness has allowed you to move on quicker than your H? So that you are about a mile ahead of him, impatiently waiting for him to hurry and catch up with you (you have changed! You have forgiven, more or less! You are here and ready to start the repairs in earnest!)? Which plays into May the controller dynamic for your H?
Sorry if I am out of place with this. But what if you took his lead on the timeline? What would it feel like to be grateful for his breadcrumbs again instead of frustrated at his lack of heartily leaning in? The breadcrumb analogy may be poorly placed, but where I am headed is having less expectations right now. Trusting H's process as much as you trust your own. Maybe there is a middle ground? Could you address this with your H?
Take it all with a grain of salt, I would be thrilled to be in your shoes right now, so I may be projecting!
