a new normal

[may22]

Wooba, CW, Alison, Cardinal, Pommy... I really am so grateful to all of you. Thank you for being there for me.

My gut feeling here is that this is his work to do, and anything that you do or don't do with the aim of getting him to see or accept or trust your changes is likely to come of as manipulative - you want him to get on board and accept your changes because sure - he'll be happier - but also because he's then more likely to act in ways you want him to, right?

I think his work is to look carefully at who you are today, rather than seeing you through the lens of the past, or his own resentment or hurt or lack of trust. And he will either do that, or not do it, in his own time. I think here, some detachment for you is needed: his reactions to or opinions about your changes are his own to deal with, and how he feels as a result of his lack of trust is also on him. You just live your life the best way you know how, and respond to him as he is today the best way you know how.

You're right, it is definitely not a selfless thing for me to want him to accept the changes and forgive the past. The more I've thought about it over the last few days, the more I think it is at least a part of the emotional blockage towards being able to really see me and love me for who I am today. I do think I didn't see him for a long time, and his AP did. Now, I feel like he is just so stuck in the past in/re our dynamic especially around sex and control that he can't see me for who I am today and can't forgive me for what he sees as my betrayal over many, many years. And, I do think it is linked to his own justification for his behavior in starting the A, so there is difficulty in him accepting the changes because he'd convinced himself I would never change, I didn't love him, I was asexual, etc. Accepting my changes means to him, I think, accepting that there were other possible ways to address the problem than the path he chose.

I agree, this is his work, and I do need to back off and let him focus on himself, no matter how much I want him to do this I can't make him-- and I also need to stay far away from anything that can be perceived as controlling or manipulative. I partially wish we were back in MC, because it gave us some structure to talk about some of this stuff-- I think his IC is a bit of an echo chamber-- but also agree that as you said in your next post, he does need an IC who can provide empathy and safety and acceptance, and I definitely think his IC does this for him. He has no-one else who would give that to him around these issues, I know. His mom wholly disapproves, and he's told his brother and one good friend tiny bits of the truth, no one else.

Wooba, to your point, maybe now that I've pointed it out he'll be more attuned (or not)-- all I can do is just keep doing what I've been doing and he'll either accept it and lose his guilt or not.

Wow, May! You covered a lot of ground. I'm super-impressed that you remembered all that and were able to write it down!

Ha, this is partially my journal these days and it really helps me to get it all out on paper. Also, if I treat this space like my journal, I think it helps keep me honest. Sometimes I write down things he said that I have some discomfort around and wonder if they'll be called out by other posters. It actually helps me get a better sense of how I feel about things when I think of how the board might respond.

he deleted every Whatsapp converstaion but also got sloppy at times. His IC said that the sloppiness was probably intentional - he wanted me to find out so that everything could come out in the open, and he didnt have to hide anymore. I remember after I found out that he had taken a day off work to spend with EAP he said "i guess you can kick me out now". I think they get to a point where they know that the situation they have created is not sustainable and they dont know how to get out; they need someone else to take control,, or for the dynamics to change.

I had the same thought when he said this. He told me the other night what he had been waiting for was, weirdly, my blessing. He needed that in order to leave. (He also said he didn't remember me saying to go, which I know I did very clearly and he refused to, right after the final BD multiple times... he said he never felt it was real. I'm not 100% sure what to make of that, if I was failing at DB, if he was hearing what he wanted to hear, or if his memory is fuzzy and colored with what has happened since.)

The spotlight is very much on him to explain away the A. Is that a resentment for him? I'm trying to think of the best way to explain this, but in my own sitch, I am mindful that my H's behaviour has been appalling, he stepped outside the M and yet I almost feel gulity that he is the bad guy when it was me who drove him away (not withstanding that it takes 2 to wreck a M). It's almost like I "made" him do it and now I'm blaming him and making him feel guilty while I sit here with a halo on. This is a conversation I want to reach deep into with my H.

Do you mean do I feel resentment towards him about the A? Yes I do, though not a huge amount. It surfaces more when I feel frustrated about the pace of "recovery" and the feeling that he hasn't really grappled with why beyond the pat long-term explanation of the SSM. He said the other night it never would have happened if we were having sex. That when he first met AP she asked him about our marriage and he said to her he had a great marriage, and then when they talked more he started to question it because of the SSM. He told her how infrequently we slept together and she was like REALLY?!?? which made him "realize" our R was not, actually, all that great, which then made him question his whole life and the fact that he thought it was normal that we rarely slept together-- because I'd told him it was-- then morphed into I controlled everything, even how he thought, etc etc.

Anyway... all that to say that in our conversations it really hasn't been me with the halo and him the big bad guy. I almost feel the opposite, that he blames me for setting the environment in which he was tempted to stray, even though he's careful to say he knows what he did was really terrible, etc. I feel like I'm pushing him to go beyond that explanation he's relied on for all these months and understand what the tipping point was, when he could have stopped it before he got in too deep. I feel like it snowballed also in that as he engaged further and further into the A, he felt like he had to be serious with it because otherwise what was he doing? He's said this to me a few times-- again the other night-- that what was he doing with two years of his life, hurting me, potentially hurting the kids, hurting AP-- all for what? And I do want him to grapple with this and really take responsibility for his choices. I don't feel he's really there yet.

With the SSM, I'm definitely willing to engage in my own behaviors and why and how it needs to change. I told him I'm willing to dig in there for as long as it takes for him to heal and forgive me... but at some point he will need to forgive me, and we'll also have to dig into his side of the equation.

Cardinal, I want to address the SSM questions you have but am running out of time... will do it either here or on your own thread soon!