Doing my thing & keeping a smile

[may22]

Hi Wooba,

I wholly believe that setting forth your vision and speaking it aloud has impact.

And during that conversation, I really looked at him. I looked at this man in a way that I have not in many months. Tears did not fill my eyes. Resentment did not fill my heart. There was no sorrow, no pain, no regret. It was an out of body experience, like I was seeing him in a different dimension. Knowing all the sh1t he's put me through, and anticipating all the possibilities he's done me wrong, I truly let it all go in those few seconds.

This is wonderful. I have had this same experience and I think it is so freeing.

I guess the Q I'm asking myself is - if I direct good energy into our relationship now, will it ultimately push us to the right route together? Even if I know it's all probably just wishful thinking? Maybe this will just have to be another experiment....

Here's what I think. I think that the interaction you describe is great. The arm touch did not sound like pressure to me. It sounded like you were happy, at peace with yourself, not needing to punish or be intentionally cold to your H, because he doesn't have that control over you. You are you, kind, compassionate, joyful Wooba talking about her son's birthday with his father. To me, what you were doing in that moment was 100% authentic DB-ing. You were happy for you, as cardinal said that joy spilled over for him, but was not directed at him, nor did you have any underlying motives or expectations about what your actions might elicit in him. If you can hold that space, I think it is exactly where you want to be.

I think the reason that the vets often advise against this kind of action is that it is really quite difficult to be and stay in that space. It might look from the outside like pursuit or nice-ing him back. But I also hear the vets say and wholeheartedly believe that the LBSs can smell the desperation and manipulation a mile away. So if you did exactly what you did, but with the secret wish that he'd see how great you were and want back in-- that would not be DB-ing. But if you do it fully in the place of being happy and fulfilled for yourself and not caring if he likes it or not, but not having the negative energy within yourself to be cold-- that is a totally different story and I think he can sense the difference. If you go back to the skittish cat and picnic analogy, he's seeing up close how great that picnic is. I'd just keep it light and neutral and be really careful not to overdo it.

The only problem I have with your question above is ... will it ultimately push us to the right route together?... I think the key is to be true to yourself. And maybe, if you can define "the right route" broadly enough, it is OK-- meaning, he is the father of your children and you'll always have to have a R with him, M or not-- so if you're OK with the "right route" eventually maybe meaning you're friends and terrific co-parents but no longer together, then I think it is OK. But if you saw the impact of that interaction and now think it might be a good way to nudge him along in a direction you want to go, I think it maybe stops working.

Like WF, I also have struggled with feeling like folks on this board disapproved of my actions when I was too nice and friendly with my H. But, like WF, my H was so attuned to the way I was feeling-- when we were in the hardest space, sometimes just a small kindness or smile or relaxed evening with the kids where we put it all on the shelf for a night was reflected back at me. Remember, your H is a human being too, one who has been desperately hurting and is trying to work through his depression and this enormous thing he's started in motion without any of the coping mechanisms or emotional maturity that you have. I just don't think that being nice without expectations is a bad thing in your situation, as long as you are truly in that neutral place where you aren't hurting anymore, and he can't hurt you with his responses or lack thereof.

Hope this makes sense... I know I'm rambling. But I feel really positive about where you are.