Oh, and I think the book you ordered by Michelle will help you immensely! It will help you move past her infidelity, focus on now, and move forward. Either she will be all in, or she won't be. You'll find out over time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
This affair tells you a lot. This was t a one time discretion. She is a serial cheater. This isn’t a symptom of a bigger problem in your marriage. This is her issue considering how long you have been together for.
If your wife cheats on you once, odds are she’ll cheat on you again, and again, and again, the more times a person cheats and subsequently lies about it, the less guilty they feel about it, so the more likely they are to do it again, over and over. Well, I guess the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” is pretty credible after all.
When a person lies, they feel less and less culpable. So basically, the more times a person cheats, the better they feel about cheating, so they do it again.
This “adaptation to dishonesty” happens because the amygdala, which is the emotion center of your brain, gives a weaker negative response each time you’re dishonest. It’s kind of like gaining immunity to the guilt you feel when you tell a big fat lie. After a while, you literally don’t feel bad about it.
When Cinderella cheats on Prince Charming for the first time and lies to his face about where she’s been, she feels kinda bad about it, assuming she’s not a sociopath. But the second time she does it, she still feels a little guilty, but not as much.
Fast forward to the tenth time she hooks up with Prince Charming's best friend, and Cinderella doesn't give a single damn. She doesn’t feel bad about hoeing around behind her boyfriend's back. Cinderella is kind of a biotch.
The idea would be the first time we commit adultery we feel bad about it. But the next time we feel less bad and so on, with the result that we can commit adultery to a greater extent.
What prevents humans from cheating is our emotional reaction to it, how bad we feel essentially, and the process of adaptation reduces this reaction, thereby allowing us to cheat more.
With serial cheaters, it could be the case that they initially felt bad about cheating, but have cheated so much they’ve adapted to their ways and simply don’t feel bad about cheating any more. Another possibility is that they never felt bad about cheating to begin with, so they didn’t need adaptation to occur, they were comfortable with it from the get-go.
Serial cheaters are either sociopaths who don't feel guilt or remorse about sleeping around, or they've simply cheated so much that their brains have adapted to their sinful, adulterous ways, and they don't care anymore.
I told her to leave and she won't. She sleeping in the basement right now.
How did this go down in more detail?
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
kt, just went back and reread your original thread. Obviously you were dealing with a wayward wife. During her wayward period she probably did a lot of things, many you still do not know about.
So I will go back to my stance above: you need to decide what she is doing, now! Is she still wayward? Did she only come back because of the pandemic? I she all in to reconciling?
I see some positive signs that she is at least moving in that direction. She wants to do MC. Many LBSs try to drag their WAS/WS to MC kicking and screaming! She agreed to full transparency, and shared her PW. Due to that you found out about another old affair. That happens sometimes with transparency.
Get the book. Read it. See if what you know are things you can get past through the hard work that Ring and piecing is. (As someone that has been through it, it isn't easy!!)
Again, I'd hate to see you blow up your current recent progress over something that is not current. Much of the tough love you should take with a WS are because they are actively engaged in an EA/PA, and unwilling to stop it. Your sitch seems to be that she is over all of that, at least for now, and wants to work on the MR. Trust.....but verify!
Last edited by Steve85; 06/02/2002:43 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So, 2 votes for walk away because she's been a serial cheater for most of your marriage, 1 vote for letting this go because she's giving you transparency and that's how you found out about this.
IMHO, your situation has better odds than Curtis'. He never went dark, he didn't wait for his ex-wife to recommit to the marriage, and he never required transparency like sharing her passwords.
I encourage the general DB tenant to SLOW DOWN on making emotional decisions--e.g., on staying or going, and on full transparency vs. full disclosure. It's normal to be hurting, it's normal to need time to process.
I want to go on record to say that I am not saying he has to walk away. I am just presenting him with the facts regarding serial cheaters. What I am saying is we see it time and time again that when these things are not dealt with properly it is usually just a stay of execution.
Her attitude stating she doesn't want to talk about it anymore is not a good sign.
Mumin, she followed me around the house begging me to talk to her, apologizing, saying she didn't tell me because she knew she caused enough pain. I asked her to leave me alone and she said she was going to sleep in the car. After numerous texts from her asking me to talk to her and apologizing, she finally said she was sleeping in the basement.
Steve, I agree with you in a lot of ways. She has done exactly what I have asked in terms if transparency. I look through her phone and find things that hurt. She was a WW but I do believe she isn't anymore. It's just the lying that I don't get. I mean, I get she doesn't want to hurt me but the lies cannot help me trust her.
My W (38) and myself (39) have a beautiful D3. She was so happy to have mom home. How do in break that innocent girl? I'm not saying I'm letting her stay but I'm not going to give up and just kick her out.
Do I keep her out if the bedroom? Do I continue on with our lives while working to be better? I am going to MC tonight, which my W has begged me to do. I just don't know what boundaries I set from here
Want to repost this to you. Sandi quoted this to you earlier in your thread:
Quote
Posted by: Gordie
I think the LBS has a fantasy
When the one who left comes back
There will be this wonderful reconciliation and happily ever after
The reality it is another roller coaster with different twists and turns
So true. As one that has been through R, 2 years later it is STILL a work in progress! If you think your sitch is a roller-coaster ride, Ring and piecing is like the biggest baddest roller-coaster ride in the middle of a category 5 hurricane.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
- or be cheated on again and again...