Thanks for all the feedback. Steve - nice to see you here!
Looking back, I would not have arrived at this point without really pulling back and going NC. I was upbeat and smiley before, but I felt like H took advantage of that so I had to set a boundary. and then there was all this gaslighting from H, and I did not want to engage him. That's when my gray rock formed. Maybe like cardinal said, it was kinda like a defense mechanism. And partly because I had lost hope.
I don't plan on pursuing H. I think of my arm touching (it was literally like ONE second okay Steve!! don't give me crap about this lol) sort of like extending an olive branch. My idea of good energy is like what Sage said, envision my intention (which I'm still trying to identify - something along the lines of compassionate indifference but I'd like something more concrete) and just sit with it.
wayfayer, you nailed it - I do feel the need to experiment. I still have no expectation, but I am a little hopeful. I guess it's just bugging me because I feel like I have no evidence to back up even the tiniest bits of hope. Where did my hope even come from? Maybe I just feel more relieved now that things are out in the open with my parents and my inlaws. The less I need to pretend, the more I feel liberated. and that makes me happy.
essentially nothing's changed, just my thinking. and maybe that is everything?
