Steve, I agree with you what I just learned was before the original affair so what's really different? And yes, transparency is very different than full disclosure. I guess I just wished she came clean with everything because now I will always wonder what else she is hiding. Although, I was already wondering that and that's why I went through her phone (she gave me her passwords).
I just ordered Healing from Infidelity. In addition, I will go to MC tonight and only to make a few points but then to listen. I feel like she needs to come clean with all or any affairs. Her best friend, who herself was cheated on which led to a divorce, has supported me throughout. She said, the past is the past. Anything prior to her coming home is considered my first marriage. After my W coming home is our second. Move forward but don't forget. She believes I'm entitled to truth but also not to throw away the progress we made since she's come back. I'm going to try to stick to that. Honestly, this affair, the first one I just learned of, hurt less than the original one. I don't know if that's a good thing or bad but at least it's easier.
Lastly, I'm here for awhile. I did leave the board because I was naive and thought I didn't need it anymore. I've now learned I need it more than ever. Things have been good but not great. My W has stated she wants to move on and not talk about the A outside of MC and IC. Our MC did not agree, telling her this is my timeline and not hers. Second, her insecurities are what led us here and she needs to work hard to address those or history will be repeated. So I will continue to update, read, and participate on this board. I can't thank you all enough. I value all of your opinions, regardless, how different they can be. This is a marathon and I'm just starting to run.
kt, one day at time! I would hate to see you give up on the progress you've made over something that happened a while back. Whether she cheated with just OM, or 10, you will know if she has changed and moved on from her wayward ways if her behavior is consistent, over a long period of time. You say you want transparency, and she agreed to share all PWs with you. That's about as transparent as one gets. I would not get caught up on having to have full disclosure related to the past, especially during her wayward period. Again, that is reopening old wounds. We have a saying around here: Onward and upward!
So forget what she has done. Neither you nor she can change that. Focus on today. Focus on what you have in your control. Focus on DBing daily! Make sure you have a life of your own! Make sure you continue to work on you! Make sure you have a good level of detachment (Google "self-differentiation in marriage".
Or you can go the route of Ben Affleck's character in Chasing Amy, and allow what she has already done to consume you. The choice is yours.
Last edited by Steve85; 06/02/2001:58 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
