kt, so you found out that there was an affair BEFORE the affair you already knew about. And what did that change? I am not seeing why this is so earth-shattering. Why this changed anything from the moment before you knew until the moment after you knew?

Have you ever seen the movie Chasing Amy? It has been many many years. But Ben Affleck is completely happy in his relationship with Amy (Joey Lauren Adams), until one day he finds out that many years earlier, before they even knew each other, she had a 3 way with two guys. Suddenly Ben Affleck's character is consumed with jealousy and obsession over this and it ruins their relationship. Not because she did anything recently but because he couldn't get past something he didn't know that had no bearing on their present.

We all have skeletons in our closet. I know of two EAs my W has engaged in (and the beginnings of a third last summer that I caught early). But quite honestly their may be others I never knew about. There are things I've done that she doesn't know about (I admitted to EAs here a while back, that she doesn't know about). I am sure there are things you've done before and even while you've known your W, that she doesn't know about. Whether she had 1 affair or 10, the questions isn't what she did before, it is what is she doing now?

You mention transparency. Transparency is about being open about what she is doing, where she is going, who she is doing it with and going with, NOW. What you apparently want is full disclosure. Full disclosure in marital recovery and reconciliation is a controversial subject. There are those that say full disclosure is important and must be part of the healing process. Others say that full disclosure is a fool's game that leads to more raw wounds. I've never really come down on a side but I will say full disclosure after a spouse's wayward period is probably not something that helps with reconciliation. Just my opinion. I've read in various books about spouses that wanted to know graphic detail about every encounter their cheating spouse had with their AP. How often, where, even what kind of sex they engaged in. I see no value in any of that.

kt, Mr. B gave you some great advice. There are no shortcuts in DBing. If you don't put in the work and require her to put in the work then you are doomed to repeat your situation until you do. However, I again ask you: what is different now than before you read the message on her phone about "Tal"? What did it really change?

M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018