a new normal

[Pommy99]

Wow , May! You covered a lot of ground. I'm super-impressed that you remembered all that and were able to write it down!.

He said that he went through phases when he was closer to me when if he had any communication he'd delete it immediately and times when things were more strained between us that he'd "clean up" after himself less... we didn't get into why.

Same with my H. he deleted every Whatsapp converstaion but also got sloppy at times. His IC said that the sloppiness was probably intentional - he wanted me to find out so that everything could come out in the open, and he didnt have to hide anymore. I remember after I found out that he had taken a day off work to spend with EAP he said "i guess you can kick me out now". I think they get to a point where they know that the situation they have created is not sustainable and they dont know how to get out; they need someone else to take control,, or for the dynamics to change.

-- He said he's been talking with his IC about the fact that when he was in the A, he felt like it made sense that he didn't feel the "in love" feelings with me because those feelings were elsewhere. Now that those feelings are not really there anymore for AP, he still isn't feeling them strongly for me and he doesn't know what to make of that. He said he still feels kind of ambivalent about sex, that we still don't have a "deep emotional connection." I asked him if he thought we used to and lost it or if we never had it, he said he thought we had it and lost it. Then he said maybe deep emotional connection is the wrong word, maybe "emotional intimacy." I feel like he's searching for that "in love" limerent feeling and he'll never get it again with me.

He is still healing - from what you said a few paras previously about not wanting to relive the conversation about how he ended the A, he is still very much a WIP. Is he putting pressure on himself that he should feel a certain way by a certain point in time? You mention there are also strong feelings (resentments, betrayal) still regarding the SSM. What does he feel needs to happen to be able to heal from that?

The spotlight is very much on him to explain away the A. Is that a resentment for him? I'm trying to think of the best way to explain this, but in my own sitch, I am mindful that my H's behaviour has been appalling, he stepped outside the M and yet I almost feel gulity that he is the bad guy when it was me who drove him away (not withstanding that it takes 2 to wreck a M). It's almost like I "made" him do it and now I'm blaming him and making him feel guilty while I sit here with a halo on. This is a conversation I want to reach deep into with my H.

You are making huge progress May, and so is he. I'm so pleased that you've been able to address some of what you needed to understand. Keep going!