What if you gave him exactly what you would want in his situation? I am envisioning a big hug with a whispered ‘we will get through this, I am on your team’ and leave it at that? That may be my own projection speaking here, so do what is authentic to you and your situation. But human nature craves acceptance and forgiveness. Especially damaged, pent-up, emotionally challenged human natures. They just don’t know how to ask for it.
Sage - thank you for this. I can see how it might work with a different person, in a different dynamic. A few months ago (on my last thread) he was in a similar state of stress and massively over-reacted to my asking if he had put any fuel in the car. There was no 'tone' on my part - I was asking because if he hadn't done it, I would go and do it. He took it as criticism and started ranting. I tried to hug him and say 'hey, it's fine, you've got the wrong end of the stick,' and he pushed me away and said 'you come at me and I'll come back at you twice as hard,' which at the time I took as some kind of threat - not necessarily of physical abuse, but of the verbal abuse he's resorted to very often in the past. I believe he experiences me trying to comfort him in those situations as invalidating, controlling and even smothering. I think the only thing that would make him happy if for me to be very abject and apologetic and sorrowful and accept a lot of the spew he wants to throw my way. That isn't on the menu. Now when he's argumentative or unpleasant or irrational, I leave him entirely alone - he's succeeded in driving me away and losing the opportunity for comfort from his wife. You'll also see this latest bout of nonsense started when I tried to hug him and ask him what I could do for him, and the next morning before I told him he was behaving unacceptably, I also asked him if there was anything I could do to help.
I know if it was someone else writing this I'd say that they weren't telling the full story - that they must have been contributing to that dynamic. And I know in the past that I did. I pursued my socks off in really dysfunctional ways that came across to him as extremely critical and aggressive. My emotions got the better of me and I'd get nearly hysterical trying to extract some empathy from him, explaining myself or the situation, pointing out that he had a part to play, trying to educate him about his own feelings and thoughts. I cringe when I think of how I used to behave. It was all very toxic and manipulative on my part - though I also have a lot of self-compassion - I knew no other way of responding to his abuse. I know better now and those kind of behaviours aren't happening anymore, but he sometimes acts as if it they are, and when he does act like that, I can't come anywhere near him without triggering his defence mechanisms, which are generally either stonewalling and withdrawal (if I am lucky) or sarcasm, name-calling, belittling and shaming language and verbal abuse. My boundary is rock-solid around all that nonsense. I can understand the place he is in, but I really don't think it is healthy for it to be my emotional labour that gets him out of it. I changed without help or support from him - for the benefit of myself, primarily, and all my relationships. He gets to decide if he does the same, or not.
