Well, last night he came to bed very late. I was still awake, and he said 'why are you being so horrible with me?' - but in a really confrontational, argumentative tone. I wasn't sure if he'd been drinking or not (I was GAL with some friends online in another room in the evening) so I just said I wanted to go to sleep. He dropped it. This morning he was cordial enough, though still carrying on with the lack of eye contact, speaking only when needed. Once Youngest was out of the way, he said 'so I want you to guarantee that you're not going to start shouting and screaming at me.' I've been perfectly calm throughout all of this - in fact, we haven't had an argument where I've raised my voice for weeks. So I took this as him picking a fight, and made an excuse and left the room. A few minutes later he came to find me and said, quite belligerently, 'I asked you a question, why are you ignoring me?' and I said, 'I'm not ignoring you, I just don't want to have a conversation like that.' He said, 'like what?' and I said 'where you make me explain or defend myself around something that just isn't happening. I don't want to, so I'm not going to.' I was very calm and quiet through all of this. He then went on a bit of a half hearted rant, mind-reading me: 'You expect me to apologise when I've done nothing wrong, etc etc,' and I said, 'I don't expect anything. I just want to get on with my work,' then came away from him again.
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Here's what I think, for you to take or leave. Can you try a sideways repair, like make a joke, do something silly or fun that you know he'll enjoy? Just do something nice for him and let him find it without needing him to say thank you or responding in some way? Also-- letting go of the need for him to apologize, for him to be the first one to repair, giving him a break this time with Covid and his work troubles and just doing something kind for him without any expectations of what he does in response. And maybe you have to do that more than once. But my guess is that he'd jump at the chance to repair without having to address the exact situation right now, apologize, whatever, and maybe down the line when you're both feeling more trust and willingness to engage, you can talk it through. I think maybe a sideways repair or humor could be a good way to put out feelers without pursuit/pressure.
This all sounds very sensible and kind, May. I've got to be honest with you, I think that probably would work and he'd probably be relieved if I did this for him. But I don't want to. I need to examine that a bit - perhaps immaturity on my part - but this is all happening in the context that he's not only my husband, but for a long time he was my abuser. I put a lot of self development work through therapy and reading and talking to people and making changes into responding to his abuse differently. I'm nowhere near perfect in my 180s or in enacting my healthy boundaries. And I still have a ton of resentment about the way he treated me in the past. Not the EA - but the blame and the months and months of bullying and verbal abuse when it was discovered. It feels vital to me not to get into a dynamic where I am responding to his moods and sulks and fight-picking and punishing behaviours with anything like pacifying or placating. I don't know what that would look like other than just going dark and not getting into conversations where he isn't treating me with respect, and at the moment that means little to no talking. I will think about it though.