Trailing on what May suggested, my gestalt is that he needs saving from himself. I can see that it may feel like you are stepping back into territory you promised yourself you wouldn’t enter any more in your M (for your own self-preservation, rightly so). But sometimes we all need a get-out-of-jail-free pass. Your H’s work stresses led to him to self-medicating with alcohol, which led to him treating you in a disrespectful way, which undoubtedly he feels bad about, even if he can’t show it. You have mentioned that he doesn’t have many close friends or outlets, which we all really need right now, especially if we are at the forefront of the pandemic. You are bearing the brunt of all of his emotions, stresses and trauma right now, for better or for worse.
I might be out of line suggesting this, but what if you forgave him? Without conditions? Just a complete do-over? What if you gave him exactly what you would want in his situation? I am envisioning a big hug with a whispered ‘we will get through this, I am on your team’ and leave it at that? That may be my own projection speaking here, so do what is authentic to you and your situation. But human nature craves acceptance and forgiveness. Especially damaged, pent-up, emotionally challenged human natures. They just don’t know how to ask for it.
Before our current situation, my H and I would intentionally acquiesce to the more ‘needy’ or ‘damaged’ of the two of us in whatever crisis we were going through. Whomever was stronger or more capable in the moment was expected to be the bigger person and reach out to the other with love and acceptance (didn’t always happen, but 95% of the time it did). Typically it included naming feelings with words like ‘come here, poppet, I can see that you are really tired and cranky right now and don’t really mean what you are saying. I love you, just come here..’ Sometimes the aggrieved party would fight it (‘I’m NOT tired, I am super angry that you did XYZ’). But with enough gentle persistence, the ‘stronger’ of the two of us never failed to bring the ‘weaker’ party to the loving bargaining table. It’s hard to bear a grudge against someone who sees and accepts you for who you are in that moment.
Keep what fits and throw away the rest of my advice!
