Perils of piecing - thread 8

[may22]

Hi Alison,

I don't know that I'd consider any of this a major setback in your R. These things will happen, there will be times of stress (and this is probably one of the most stressful times for every human being on the planet right now) where one or both of you will revert back to past behavioral patterns. It happens. I think the key is how you move forward once it does. I think you're doing a great job of not letting his behavior drive your emotions-- that is a healthy thing-- and examining the entire episode to look at how you may have contributed to the situation. All very positive things, in my view, around what you can control. I guess if I had any general suggestion it would be to do a little more sitting in your H's shoes, what he's dealing with, how he must be feeling generally, and while he isn't handling those emotions well, he is still in a difficult spot and maybe he does still need empathy from you even when he can't really do a very good job of accepting it.

I also think he's feeling controlled by my request that he apologise to me. I think I reacted in that moment as I was thinking about that night - a couple of months ago now - where he turned up to bed drunk and started tearing into me out of the blue, taking out all his self-inflicted resentments and complaints on me. It was hurtful and I was so clear it was never to happen again. I was scared it was about to happen which is why i cut off a frankly strange line of questioning from him and went to sleep, and why I was so trenchant with him the next morning - I really need him to know I will no longer take this &#*$ from him. But he probably feels told off, and he used to tell me quite often 'when you're not nice to be around, I won't be around you' and then give me days and days of stonewalling and silent treatment like this. I am struggling today to pick apart the two - how much of this is his self preservation in a time of stress - and how much of this is punishing behaviour.

I can totally relate here. My H has often felt controlled by my request for an apology. I think to him it feels like bowing to your authority made even more stinging because he knows you're probably right, you're the calm one, the mature one, etc. At least in my situation when a similar dynamic is present, I know (from conversations after the fact) that H feels trapped and angry and the one thing he can control is himself, so by NOT apologizing and NOT engaging he's demonstrating his own autonomy. It may be less about punishing you and more about feeling in control on his end.

I'm not sure that makes much of a difference, but just wanted to say that the request (usually interpreted as a demand) for an apology and my H feeling like being controlled dynamic has been present in my M too, for a long time, and something we are both working on. Me, by not asking for an apology any more, just stating how I feel and not asking/telling him to do anything about it, H by actually apologizing on his own within a relatively short window of time. He generally still needs a little time to cool off and I'll give it to him, say my piece, walk away, not sulk or be angry, just do something else-- and he'll come find me and apologize. The other thing I try to do now is actually accept the apology and not be a B about it and rub in why I deserve the apology etc. That was something I used to do that was not beneficial to either of us, and I do my best to avoid it now. I know it added to his unwillingness to apologize because he felt he'd get a further scolding, which contributed then to his feeling like I was controlling, I was infantilizing him, etc. Again, not sure this helps. Just thinking that you may need to cut him some slack on this. He's not perfect, but he's improved immeasurably. He will slip, especially in times of stress, and maybe it is OK to move forward without an apology this time.

(Now I'm seeing your edited to add portion at the bottom and see that the dynamic was pretty present in your R too... the way you describe demanding the conversation and extracting an apology is exactly where we were too. Ugh. Agreed it is a bad thing. Maybe just as you were triggered by his drinking and weird behavior, he was triggered by your turning away and then asking for an apology.)

What's different is that I am not being driven crazy. I am not distressed or hurt or desperately trying to placate him or cajole him into being nice to me again. I will never go back to that. I'm not doing any of the pursuer type behaviours I used to do. I also don't feel the stress or anxiety or sense of worthlessness that I used to feel. I feel a bit of pity for him, and, if I am honest, a fair bit of the old contempt - that he's still in the habit of treating his wife like this when there's something going on either in his life or in his marriage that isn't to his liking.

I think it is a good thing that you've pulled yourself out of your old habits, and you genuinely feel OK about it now. That is great.

I am taking care of myself. The kids. Working and getting outside and doing my share in the house and seeing my friends. I am trying to take into account that he's working hard in a stressful role and has had little time to himself for weeks. I am also trying to take into account that we're different people, and while my way would be to talk things through, his way - to let things lie - isn't necessarily a bad thing. I think in the past if he'd have rejected my attempt to get close or comfort him I would have been upset or nagging or distressed and made it all about me and my feelings, and he was probably reacting to that old pattern, rather than what was actually happening. And that's on him and I won't take responsibility for it, though I can understand it.

Again, all positives on your end. I especially think it is good that you're open to seeing if his way can work too-- letting it lie. I see the parallels here in what I was talking about in my own thread too-- H seeing the old patterns, or even just being afraid that the old patterns might be there, and responding to that rather than opening his eyes to what is actually happening. I like what you said on my thread, that this is his journey to move through and there isn't much you can do other than keep being consistent on your side.

Ideas of where to go now? I guess I've been doing DB to the letter the past few days and feeling fine, but at some point a repair or reconnection will have to happen and I have no idea how to go about it without resorting to pursuing, and I won't do that, as it feeds his distancing behaviours and rewards his punishing behaviours.

Here's what I think, for you to take or leave. Can you try a sideways repair, like make a joke, do something silly or fun that you know he'll enjoy? Just do something nice for him and let him find it without needing him to say thank you or responding in some way? Also-- letting go of the need for him to apologize, for him to be the first one to repair, giving him a break this time with Covid and his work troubles and just doing something kind for him without any expectations of what he does in response. And maybe you have to do that more than once. But my guess is that he'd jump at the chance to repair without having to address the exact situation right now, apologize, whatever, and maybe down the line when you're both feeling more trust and willingness to engage, you can talk it through. I think maybe a sideways repair or humor could be a good way to put out feelers without pursuit/pressure.

The stonewalling and contempt, concerns with how to repair... wondering if you haven't read Gottman recently, it might be a good time just to give you some food for thought on how to deal with these feelings on your end and behaviors on his.