Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[may22]

Hi Pommy,

All my advice needs to be taken with a big, giant grain of salt for a few reasons-- one, I'm projecting a lot on your sitch from my own, and while there are a lot of surface similarities, I don't know your H the way I know my own. They may be acting the same way but driven by different mechanisms... so you need to pick and choose what makes sense in your own situation, with your own R and your own H. Second, I'm really still very much in the thick of it. I do believe that my H has ended his A and is committed to working on our R, but I don't necessarily think that we're "piecing", whatever that means-- we haven't even talked about what our vision(s) of M2.0 would be like, let alone constructed a shared goal; he hasn't fallen desperately back in love with me; he isn't fitting that picture of the remorseful, rock-bottom WH who would do absolutely anything to get me back. Maybe I spend too much time thinking of what things SHOULD look like from what I read here... but I just feel we both have a lot of work to do, and a lot is on his side and not within my control. And I see the repeat LBSs on the boards here and have trepidation about our path... so I just don't want to come off like I know what I'm talking about, because I'm working through all the same things too, maybe just a few months ahead of you.

Do you think my H is showing similar to yours? Up until now it's been about what he wants, what I'm not, what he doesnt feel. Now it's about what he can do for me, what role he wants to play as a husband, what he contributes to the M.

Do you think he sounds flowery? In what way? Do you think his fear of losing me is NOT a good reason to want to come back? I don't think he has ever been overtly emotional, and I think he has struggled through our M to express his emotions, and perhaps that is also my fault if he felt that I havent been there for him in that way.

With all those caveats in place, I think it is a good sign that he's focusing on his own behavior and what he'd need to do or change in your R, rather than the "you aren't sexy enough" kind of stuff he was in before. And the flowery language may just be a projection on my end because if I heard it from my H I'd be wondering what was up-- I guess I would just ask you to think back and see if this sounds like him and his usual decision-making process, or if there is a chance his pendulum is just swinging back in the other direction.

I generally feel like making decisions out of emotion is not a good way to make decisions, especially big ones. Fear can be a decent motivator but I don't think it is a good basis for such a big decision as S/D or not... just like you don't want fear of losing him to be your primary motivator for staying, you don't want it to be his primary motivator either. There also needs to be the positive of what you're building TOWARDS, not just what you're worried about losing. It does sound like he's talking in that arena which is great. Now, what do YOU want to see in your M2.0 and what will it take for him to show you he's up for it?

In your situation, your H did leave and pulled that major trigger, so I feel like you actually have more control over the situation than I did in terms of navigating him coming back. (I know that was a choice on my part.) So I guess I am just suggesting you take the time to really unpack what you want in an H and what you need to see from him in order to feel secure that his shift is real and not temporary. The work of piecing is difficult for both of you, they'll be ups and downs, and he's got to be personally just as committed to the end goal as you. Up until now, he's been waffling and very much focused on what he wants/needs and how you weren't meeting them rather than what work he needs to do in order to build M2.0 together with you. I think that is a very encouraging move... but you just want to feel confident it is not transient and will fade as he gets less fearful, or as things open up with the lockdown and he is again able to get out and about with other people. Or, when you work through piecing and things get difficult, that he'll give up too easily.

You got this, Pommy. Just take your time, do what is right for YOU and the kids, on your timeline. Stay in the driver's seat. I think as long as he knows you aren't cutting him off completely, he'll continue to work towards R if it is for real. Also, the flowers are a nice touch and cute that he sent them anonymously.