And during that conversation, I really looked at him. I looked at this man in a way that I have not in many months. Tears did not fill my eyes. Resentment did not fill my heart. There was no sorrow, no pain, no regret. It was an out of body experience, like I was seeing him in a different dimension. Knowing all the sh1t he's put me through, and anticipating all the possibilities he's done me wrong, I truly let it all go in those few seconds.
This is such a good description of this moment, wooba. Since I had compassionate indifference in mind as I started my new thread, it made me think. If, as steve says, that is what true detachment feels like, I am second-guessing that I've felt it for any prolonged amount of time! What I mostly do is detach from my H's actions/emotions, more getting off the rollercoaster. That seems more like detaching to protect me; your out-of-body experience seems more like a higher plane of compassionate indifference. And maybe the more you direct your energy toward it, it is something that will come and go and then settle as less out-of-body blip and more a dominant way of being?
Originally Posted by wooba
I guess the Q I'm asking myself is - if I direct good energy into our relationship now, will it ultimately push us to the right route together? Even if I know it's all probably just wishful thinking? Maybe this will just have to be another experiment....
That's how I'm thinking of good energy here. Not so much the kind that could be interpreted as pressure and pursuit, not the kind with expectations or even the motive of pushing you together, but good energy as in feeding your compassionate detachment, as in holding onto the feeling you had in that moment—not cold, but free of resentment. Maybe gray rock was a way you were protecting yourself that you can let go of more and more. You can be upbeat and smiley because you are finding joy for yourself, and that joy just happens to be freely given to H sometimes too, because when you are a joyful person, that joy is reflected at those around you. So this good energy is energy you direct all around (like the lighthouse beam! It's not just pointing at H.), and sometimes H happens to be in its path too. And you will be on the right route, and there is always the possibility that at some point H will be ready to join you on that route, too.
