It is so positive to me that you two are able to have these difficult conversations, and it seems like both of you are okay that things aren't necessarily resolved during the convo. It's an ongoing process, and I also think it's such a good sign your H is using his IC time to really try to understand himself in a new way. It sounds like, whereas you've been doing that kind of work for more than a year in earnest, it's begun more recently for your H; he's moving at his own pace, there, and perhaps his gradual understanding of why he did what he did will also come with gradual understanding of your experience, and of the SSM.
Originally Posted by may22
Man, the SSM is still such a hot and painful topic for him. He has not forgiven me for this-- even though it has been more than a year since I had my personal breakthrough around the SSM and (I have felt) demonstrating to him that I'm not that person anymore (for me). He is really still hanging on to this, and also resentment around incidents where he felt controlled/belittled by me that are like 5-7 years old.
Every time I read about your H's experience of this, I'm sent back to BD, when my H really expressed anger and hurt around the SSM fully for the first time. It reminds me I am still grappling with not taking total responsibility for where we are now because of the SSM, still struggling to fully forgive myself for not understanding or realizing how it was affecting him.
Originally Posted by may22
He said something along the lines of me thinking that now that I want to have sex, that will make things all better. That it is like five years ago he was saying he was really thirsty, and now he's covered in third degree burns and I'm offering him water.
It's been more than a year and your H hasn't forgiven you; it's no surprise, then, that my H still seems super angry sometimes, and he's off in his own MLC world. When I wrote the apology letter last fall, I straight up apologized, without offering explanations or reasons, for my part in the SSM and the fact that I hadn't been able to make changes I needed to make. So, this probably isn't the right attitude, but part of me thinks... really? Why is it taking so long for him to forgive you? You can't change the past! I also realize this is my impatience, my wanting my H to forgive me, my feeling like I deserve forgiveness myself, even though I know that his granting it is beyond my control. I know reclaiming your sexuality has been really empowering for you regardless of your H, may, but in that process did you every struggle with blaming yourself or fully forgiving yourself? If so, was letting go of this a gradual process for you or did it just click one day?
I may be hijacking a bit here, may! I apologize if I am. Feel free to say more on my thread if you can.
Originally Posted by may22
I'm hopeful at some point my H can do the same, and I don't actually think we'll ever get to M2.0 until this happens. Hopefully it is something we can work on together in MC when we can get back there, but I know this is something he needs to do for himself. Right? Or am I missing something? Any advice here? It is hard to talk about because he is still so angry and hurt about it, even when he is talking about it calmly.
Ultimately, the heartening part for me is that he's there, with you, committed to talking and working through this, in spite of the fact that he's stuck on the SSM and hasn't yet been able to let go of resentments like you have. I agree that it is absolutely something he needs to do for himself, and something you can't do for him. It seems like MC/IC will be helpful with this process. And, like Allison said, it's also part of his work to let go of the me-time guilt.
Gosh, this really is a never-ending process, but look how far you've come! Look how far you both have come. I think your advice to yourself in the second-to-last post applies here too:
Originally Posted by may22
But I am trying to tell myself (channeling Yail) that it hasn't been very long at all, that things are improving slowly, not to write my future before I get there. And that he has healing and processing to do too, both about the A and his behavior but about the SSM too.
