Completely lost, where am I?

[SteveLW]

Maybe a little more history of how we ended up emotionally distant might help.

As mentioned we were in a long term SSM although not really either of our faults. Early on things were fine as they are in most R's. A couple of years in she started complaining that sex hurt, like "pins and needles". We saw many Dr's, there were no STD's, no problems, issues, or any thing that anyone could find. She literally asked everyone she knew, friends, family, no one had any clue. So of course our SL suffered. While I understood the why, it didn't make it any easier to handle.

In the middle of all this her best friend and her husband both lost their jobs and were evicted, so they came to stay with us for about a year. During this time I noticed my wife becoming more distant, less passionate, less into any sort of "PDA" even in private. Unbeknownst to me until after they had moved out, her "friend" had been in her ear the whole time telling her that we were gross, that our affections were disgusting, etc. Over the year that constant barrage of negativity seeped in. The friend divorced her husband shortly after moving out.

The ex-husband of my wife's friend met a new woman, (now married) and she became my wife's new best friend. When my wife told her of the problem, this new woman finally had the answer to our pain problem. It turned out the soap I was using was the culprit. Sure enough changing soaps and the problem was gone. Unfortunately most of the damage had already been done, we were no longer passionate, sex while much better was still rare. She had gotten used to never wanting it and I had already started to emotionally distance myself.

There was a bit more to the problems, my younger brother and both of her parents died at various points which each time caused some setbacks. Twice I had to take pay cuts to keep my job which didn't help stress levels.

Over the years that followed, she wanted it less and less and I was less and less emotionally available. As all of my friends were husbands of her friends/family, I retreated into video games. It was the only place I had that was just mine alone. I was not really a gamer before. It became a downward spiral that brought us to the point of once per year usually in the spring (April/May time frame). I accept my part in all of this. I didn't give her what she needed emotionally. I wish I had heard about SSM and DB 10-12 years ago, maybe I wouldn't be where I am now.

Through it all, I still supported everything she ever wanted to do, never discouraged her. Every job change, first degree "Associates in paralegalism" (she never got a job as a paralegal though), her now second degree she is working on, everything. I was her rock through the grief of dying parents.

The only thing I didn't support her on was having another child. She had a child from a previous R, not M which I have raised as my own since age 1. I had always wanted a child as well but with the SSM is full swing, I was not always sure I could stay in the M and didn't want to be baby daddy #2. Also she was a smoker and I had asked her to quit so that it would not jeopardize the health of our child. She didn't quit until about 2 years ago but by then there was no way to make a baby since we never performed the act to make one. She has said she resents me for this, and I fully understand, to a degree I also resent her for this. Who knows maybe she never gets past that this one issue and we really are doomed. I am not sure we will ever be really sure.

Couple of things here. I know society has changed and moved on from the old-fashioned world of the man being the leader of the household. But I think there is a lot of biology at play here. Watch little boys play vs. how little girls play. Boys are aggressive, competitive, hot-tempered even. Girls tend to play things that are cooperative, they are courtesy with each other "No you can have the good doll", etc. Biology has set it up for men to be the leaders. Therefore when there is something amiss in the home, the last thing a man should do is point to the problem and say "it is her fault".

I believe that men should lead in the bedroom....but it starts outside of the bedroom. You cannot be an angry, resentful, controlling jerk during the day, and then get between the sheets and be all "Come here honey!" As a fellow Texan, big and tall bald TV therapist likes to say "how's that working for you?" So take responsibility for this. The exact WRONG way to go about dealing with a SSM is to withhold the emotional connection she needs. That is a self-fulfilling prophecy. "My wife is never in the mood so I've withheld all other forms of intimacy from her!" Doesn't make sense, does it?

Now, that is the past. But clearly she has needed that emotional connection because she has now sought it out in 3 OM. Wake-up call!!

Oh, and spending oodles of time in a video game, also not a good way to deal with it. I have seen so many LBHs that admit that their gaming became an issue. So you need to 180 on that as well. Not for her. Not for MR, but for you. You will be much more productive without that in your life.

As far as the child. I can relate. We have one daughter. SSM had started to creep into our lives when we had our first daughter. I was resentful. I was controlling (mostly withe money). I nitpicked her housekeeping, how she spent her time etc, all out of anger and bitterness. When she came to me at one point and said she wanted another child, I refused for many of the same reasons you cite. If you are able to save your MR, and you and her end up reconciling, I would highly suggest you 180 on this. I am 51, she is 52. We are past child-bearing years now. I regret not giving her another child all the time because it is the one thing I cannot fix.

So I get it. First, let's get you right! Do not dismiss what I said about IC! IC did me wonders. Then when you are right maybe she will be open to reconciling. And then after that, you guys can put in the work to fix your MR, heal, and move forward.

It starts with you.