Completely lost, where am I?

[SteveLW]

Thank you for the warm welcome Steve85.

I have already ordered DB and it is supposed to arrive today. I am literally stalking the Fed-Ex guy. I will definitely try the "stop MC advice" tonight. After reading your post I am almost more convinced that I should push for separation to make sure she knows she is losing me by her actions and to see if she really wants to make this work or is just going through the motions.

One thing to learn Texan is that talk is cheap. And with your financial situation she will probably resist separation until she is able to either by living with OM, or at least having him fund it. We have a saying around here, a monkey doesn't jump from the branch it is on until it finds another branch that can support it.

So "pushing" for separation falls into the pursuit and pressure category. Especially since you just admit you don't really want to separate but that you want her to see she is losing you. Many LBSs have done things like that for the wrong reasons ("maybe it will wake her up!"), only to end up physically separated. I point out to people all the time here that LBSs always think the grass is greener. "It would be easier if we were physically separated!", but then those that are say "it would be easier to show her I've changed if we still lived together!" You will be miserable no matter what. Trust me on that. If she stays and you guys are in limbo, you will be miserable. If she goes, you will wonder what she is doing and with who and struggle with wanting to contact her. It literally is a darned if you do darned if you don't scenario. So be careful what you wish for.

As far as detachment and distancing, how do I respond when she says ILY and kisses me goodnight or goodbye? Refuse the kiss and don't respond? People keep saying do a 180, but detachment and distancing is what we have been doing for 10+ years. A 180 would be spending more time together.

The general rule is to not initiate, but if she does it is ok to reciprocate. Detachment and distance doesn't mean you have to reject her. It means you are the lighthouse! You are standing where you've always stood, shining a saving light. She can either come towards the light or not, that you have no control over. But you stand and let her come to you.

And do not use 180ing as an excuse to break the moratorium on pressure and pursuit. Yes a 180 might be to spend more time together. But I like to use the analogy of someone just eating. Your W is full. And you are trying to get her to eat more. Ever have someone do that to you? It is annoying. So when she tells you "I am full", don't try to get her to eat more, back off and wait until she gets hungry again. Also think about it this way, your W has essentially told you she wants none of you right now. Is it logical to now try to push more of yourself on her? That may have worked 6 months ago, a year ago, etc, but not now.

To address your control concern, the answer is sort of. She does work and her income is roughly 1/7 of the total household income but that isn't the issue. My W was a horrible impulse buyer, the first several years despite a very nice income we were perpetually broke because she was "twenty-dollaring" us to death. One day she was upset b/c we didn't have $200 for something she really wanted. So I went around the house and gathered up all the $10-$20 junk she had bought in the last month and laid it at her feet and said there was the $200 she needed (it was more like $380-$420 worth of junk). She got the point. After that I did control money a bit tighter. In the years since then, I was able to buy her a new house, the dream bed she wanted (a $10,000 Sleep Number bed), buy her dream car (Honda Pilot) (nearly paid in full at time of purchase), take vacations, pay cash for her new degree instead of loans, and still build a sizeable savings. Now some of that was some bill control, but yeah she really was wasting that much. So as strange as it may sound, she actually appreciates that control and what it allows her to actually get. She has said as much several times, especially when family and friends ask her how we do so well and live the lifestyle we have. I really don't control anything else.

Yes, that is what she says. But this dynamic (and it was present in my MR too!) has turned you into father and daughter. Daughter must ask daddy's permission to buy X, Y, and Z. Even the example you gave of gathering the "junK" and showing her where the $200 she needed was is controlling. Nitpicking every expenditure (let me guess, you even took over the grocery shopping duties to control the spending?), while she may have even admitted was necessary, certainly would still engender a good deal of resentment. And it also would mean that your MR went from partnership to boss-employee. That is a recipe for disaster.

This is where a 180 could come in! Setup household budgets, and let the budgets be the control. Not TheTexan approving every expenditure in the house.

I really pray that you are wrong about them already being physical. The fundamental truth is, if I do find out that they have already been physical, this all of this is for nothing, as I would never want her back or to even touch her again. The thought utterly disgusts me and I know me and I would never be able to get that trust back if we had eternity to rebuild it. That may be my hang up, but I refuse to be my W's sloppy second. I would happily take the D and move on with my life in that case. I deserve to be with someone that wants me for me, is actually in love with me, and is attracted to me.

I wouldn't have enough fingers and toes even if I had 4 sets of hands and feet to count the number of LBSs that come to this forum with this attitude. Only to let it go the minute they find out the PA is already underway. Is a PA a legitmate actual dealbreaker for you? Or are you just saying that because you are hoping beyond hope it hasn't happened yet? Here is the thing, a lot of these sitches we see, by time the WAS is ready to BD, the deed with the OP has already been done. I am not blunt with you to scare you or hurt you, but to prepare you. Likely it has already happened. And if not, it is imminent based on her "hall pass" talk and BD.

So if you are serious, do your due diligence now. Get a free consult with an attorney. Be ready to do what you need to do to protect yourself. Because the odds are that if you are serious about it being a deal-breaker than the deal has already been broken.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my W more than anything, but I couldn't live with anyone after a betrayal like that. I would always be paranoid that it was still a lie just to keep her lifestyle and about it happening again. Again my issue, but I am at least honest about it.

Again, lots of LBSs have made statements like this but then waffle when it becomes a reality.