I have already ordered DB and it is supposed to arrive today. I am literally stalking the Fed-Ex guy. I will definitely try the "stop MC advice" tonight. After reading your post I am almost more convinced that I should push for separation to make sure she knows she is losing me by her actions and to see if she really wants to make this work or is just going through the motions.
As far as detachment and distancing, how do I respond when she says ILY and kisses me goodnight or goodbye? Refuse the kiss and don't respond? People keep saying do a 180, but detachment and distancing is what we have been doing for 10+ years. A 180 would be spending more time together.
To address your control concern, the answer is sort of. She does work and her income is roughly 1/7 of the total household income but that isn't the issue. My W was a horrible impulse buyer, the first several years despite a very nice income we were perpetually broke because she was "twenty-dollaring" us to death. One day she was upset b/c we didn't have $200 for something she really wanted. So I went around the house and gathered up all the $10-$20 junk she had bought in the last month and laid it at her feet and said there was the $200 she needed (it was more like $380-$420 worth of junk). She got the point. After that I did control money a bit tighter. In the years since then, I was able to buy her a new house, the dream bed she wanted (a $10,000 Sleep Number bed), buy her dream car (Honda Pilot) (nearly paid in full at time of purchase), take vacations, pay cash for her new degree instead of loans, and still build a sizeable savings. Now some of that was some bill control, but yeah she really was wasting that much. So as strange as it may sound, she actually appreciates that control and what it allows her to actually get. She has said as much several times, especially when family and friends ask her how we do so well and live the lifestyle we have. I really don't control anything else.
I really pray that you are wrong about them already being physical. The fundamental truth is, if I do find out that they have already been physical, this all of this is for nothing, as I would never want her back or to even touch her again. The thought utterly disgusts me and I know me and I would never be able to get that trust back if we had eternity to rebuild it. That may be my hang up, but I refuse to be my W's sloppy second. I would happily take the D and move on with my life in that case. I deserve to be with someone that wants me for me, is actually in love with me, and is attracted to me.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my W more than anything, but I couldn't live with anyone after a betrayal like that. I would always be paranoid that it was still a lie just to keep her lifestyle and about it happening again. Again my issue, but I am at least honest about it.
