Texan welcome the board. I am a fellow native Texan! (Texas rules!) Anyway, I am sorry you have to be here. I can relate to a lot of what you've typed. I was very much in a similar situation with my W's first EA. And certainly with the second EA. The big difference being my W knew I would never be open to an open marriage. So when I confronted her on her first EA 14+ years ago she immediately said she didn't want a D, and that she wanted to work on us. But it was reluctant. The EA addiction was strong and took her weeks and months to get over it. Even reaching out to AP a few times. He, too, was married and only wanted some strange. He was not going to leave his W and family for her, he just wanted to use her body. (I think deep down she knew that.)

With the second EA, I think she was much more into getting it to the physical. When confronted she immediately said she wanted a D. I think as wayward as she was, if I had floated the idea of an open marriage, she would have jumped at the idea. I think at first she would have declined but then as she thought about it she would have wanted to try it. Again, no way was I agreeing to that, and she knew that.

Here is the thing. This did not happen overnight. This is OM #3, even if the other two weren't interested for whatever reason. You have to face some hard truths. Likely, they've already been physical with him. There are already so many red flags. The "hall pass" was likely not to get your permission as it was to relieve her guilt. My W said many times that it would have been easier for her if I had cheated on her. But the staying late to chat. The wanting to get a hotel. All huge red flags. I think this thing is much deeper than you know.

Second, even if she is saying she wants to stay married, etc, it is a lie. If this guy were single she'd likely already be entertaining thoughts of leaving you for him. The fact that he is unavailable for that means that she needs to keep you as Plan B. Open marriage would be the easiest course for her. But short of that she realizes that she needs to keep telling you what you want to hear. This is called "throwing you off the scent". She is not at all committed to your marriage right now. And that means that you should not be in MC.

I would head that hotel off a the pass. Tell her: “I’ve decided to stop marriage counseling. I feel that it would just be going through the motions at this point. I’m going to start individual counseling on my own. A lot has happened and I need help processing it so I can heal and move forward.”

This will do two things. It will stop the sham that MC is right now in your MR. She IS just going through the motions because she needs you to be there right now. Plus later she can tell people "we tried everything, even MC!" And it will also put to the test this need to have "alone time to gather and document her thoughts before the session". If after you stop MC she still wants that alone time.....well, you have your answer.

You also need to get back to the life you had before her. Get with old friends, even if just phonecalls and texts. Pick up old hobbies and get back in touch with them. Really discover the inner you that you have lost. I see you alrady making GAL excuses. Drop those. Where there is a will there is a way! You need to read like crazy and start instituting changes to yourself. Get DR, read it. Get other self-help books, read them. Concentrate on becoming the best TheTexan you can be! And then work on detachment. Learn what that means and start detaching. You need to get to a place where you W words and actions (and there will be many shocking ones to come, trust me) do not affect you emotionally!

As far as your actions towards her? You need to really do nothing. Your goal right now is to remove all pressure and pursuit. To back way off and give her room to decide things for herself. A huge red flag is her saying she feels she is being told what to do. Wayward wives are rebellious. She is going to buck against anyone and anything that tells her not to do what she wants to do. This is why MC is fruitless. The MC says "this is an EA and you need to stop it". Guess what? She is going to want to amp it up! So back off, let her figure her stuff out. DO NOT TRY TO CONTROL HER!

And I see a lot of control red flags with you: "If my previously OVERLY-honest W is suddenly really dishonest and instead of breaking things off changed the EA to a PA and wants me to basically pay for a hotel love nest for her and the OM"

Have you always been controlling with money? You said she works, are you saying she can't pay for her own hotel room? Even if you don't, do you think OM can't? Anyway, if you put an end to MC, then you don't have to worry about the need for her to be alone....unless she is really lying about it.

GAL. 180s. Detachment. Remove all pressure and pursuit. Do not try to control her. Let her go to get her back. That is what you should be focusing all of your energy on now.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018