I have been reading the forums since Friday and while I see lots of good advice I still feel lost b/c my sitch is quite different from most in that my WW doesn't want a D or even a separation. So not quite sure which advice to take. Let me explain.
Recent history about my sitch.
First I should say one of the main qualities I have always loved about my W is that she has always been one of the most honest and trustworthy people I have ever known. Until now.
My wife and I have been in a SSM for at least a decade if not longer. It's hard to even remember when it was good. She was the LDS and I was the HDS. Due to the SSM we essentially have been emotionally distant for many years as well with most days us just doing our own thing until dinner, then an hour of TV then she goes to bed and I stay up for a couple more hours for more TV.
In Jan, W came to me and said that it wasn't fair to me that she wasn't giving me what I needed in the bedroom and was considering giving me a "hall pass". I declined the pass and told her that I wasn't interested in other people and thought it would just make things worse. I apparently missed the big red flag.
Thur May 14, 2020 - Unconventional BD. W says she wants to talk and again offers me a "hall pass" and again I declined. This is when the bomb dropped. W says that she wants a hall pass. Oddly enough I didn't even get mad. I just listened and asked a few probing questions. Over the next couple of hours I learned a lot about my W and how she was feeling. Apparently over the last couple of years she found herself being aroused by other people (3 in total). The first two were unrequited but that now there was a new person and it had turned into essentially an EA. The OM is a coworker (they all were) who is also married and my W tells me they have not been physical yet and she has never cheated but they both "really want to" and she wants permission. She tells me all the usual cliches ILYBNILWY, "I'm not attracted to you anymore", etc. Unlike most BD's though she also says she loves our life together, and does NOT want a divorce or even a separation. We spent some time discussing the merits and pitfalls of open marriages.
I told her I understood why she felt that way, that we had become too distant, I owned my part in it, for neglecting the problems we had. I told her I would not be ok with an open marriage, especially as a first solution. I told her maybe as a last resort, but that if she really did love our life together then maybe we should seek MC and try to get back to where we used to be and regain what we had lost. She was reluctant at first saying she wasn't sure it could be fixed but eventually she decided she would try. I am not sure if this was because she really wants to or if it's because she is afraid to be alone since she can't support herself financially and her OM already has a wife who he says he will never leave.
My wife only works weekends (she is going back to school to become a nurse during the week) and the OM only works on Saturdays. Supposedly that next Saturday she told the OM that they could not be physical b/c she was going to try with me. Of course I have no proof. The next week I started noticing her being sneakier with her phone so the EA was definitely still happening. We searched for a MC and found one but contact wasn't returned until Mon May 25 and our first appt was on May 29. W told the counselor the same thing that she did not want a D and that she did want our marriage to work. The MC correctly identified their relationship as an EA and told my wife that if she wanted this to work she needed to end the EA and since they work together they had to keep it professional. W appeared to understand.
As soon as the MC video conference ended (Thanks Covid-19), W says, "I feel like I am being told what to do". I replied, well you kind of are. W had had a biopsy 3 days prior (benign YAY). I said, just like with your biopsy, the Dr. told you to not take aspirin products for several days, leave the bandage on for 2 days and the steristrips on for 5 days, if she wanted it to heal properly. I said this is no different, the Dr. is telling you what to do if you want this to heal properly. She appeared to understand.
That night she made it a point to wear new underwear which she would go to work in the next day. She stayed after work to "talk" to the OM and supposedly tell him that they needed to keep it professional and not have outside contact. Should I believe this or did she rebel against the Dr and turn the EA into an A?
Our next MC session is this Friday and she says she needs some alone time to gather and document her thoughts before the session and says she can't do that at home. She want to go spend a night or two in a hotel alone. I have my doubts that she would be alone. She even told me that when she did go to the hotel, to not get any ideas about trying to be romantic and surprising her. So is she really just reflecting and documenting or is she having a PA?
She still says ILY and kisses me each night at bed time and before leaving the house. We still live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, and share dinner together and many lunches.
So here I am reading these forums and seeing all sorts of advice to distance but we have been doing that for over a decade. It would be hard to be more distant without me forcing a separation. I see advice that she won't change until she feels loss for her actions. So should I force a separation? I also see advice that the best thing is to try to spend more time together, to "date" again, which she has agreed to try along with the MC. We did go out on a "date" on May 22 but couldn't stay out too late b/c she had work in the AM. At my request, she also compiled a list of hobbies/activities she might want to do with me and we are making plans to do some of them. Is she doing this to appease me so I won't leave or b/c she really wants this to work?
Bottom line is, I am completely unclear which phase I am in. If she really did break things off with the OM and really does just want the alone time to reflect and think, and really does want things to work between us then we may be at least close to reconciliation and we should be doing more date night stuff. If my previously OVERLY-honest W is suddenly really dishonest and instead of breaking things off changed the EA to a PA and wants me to basically pay for a hotel love nest for her and the OM, then I am in a different boat entirely with a completely different set of rules (WW??? and/or MLC???) and maybe I should force a separation to trigger the loss. Not knowing which boat I am even in is making my choice of next actions all but impossible.
Part of me thinks I should force the separation anyway just to make sure. Am I wrong in thinking this way. What if she is being honest and me forcing a separation drives her back to the OM? I can almost here her yelling "First you make me break it off with "OM" and now you're dumping me too?". Should I allow her the night in a hotel to reflect. She want so do it this week so time on this decision is of the essence. She will probably try to book the room in the next 24-48 hours.
I almost envy those with a WAS/WAW. At least they know exactly where they are and can proceed accordingly.
For me and my work I have started working out again, something I haven't done in at least 15 years. It feels good to get moving again. As far as GAL goes well that's going to be a bit harder. I moved to this new city 21 years ago, met my wife shortly after and we have been together since. All of my pre-marriage friends live 2 hours away, with the closet about 1 hour but he has a bad work schedule for getting together plus he is paranoid about C19. All of my other friends are essentially husbands of her sister or her friends. I can't meet co-workers because I have worked from home for many years and my companies nearest office is over 1000 miles away. My W and Step-D and our mutual friends have basically been my whole world for nearly 20 years. I don't even know what my outside interests are or who I could share them with if mot my W.
There is a LOT more history of how we ended up in a SSM and why we emotionally disconnected but if I added it here this would be well into the TLDR territory. Maybe I will add that in a later post.
I appreciate any insight or advice as to where I am and what I should do next.
Me-46 W-39 Step-D20 (and pregnant) T-19, M-17 BD May 14, 2020 EA revealed May 14, 2020
