So, it's been a strange few days and I feel like I've either taken a big step back in my marriage or a big step forward in detachment. I genuinely don't know, and I'd appreciate a sanity check on this.
H had a work disappointment recently and he took is pretty hard. Generally the way he deals with stress and anxiety is to withdraw and (in my view) drink a bit too much. I could see this was happening, and it never works when I try to draw him out of his shell, and I also don't care to be around him when he's drinking, so I just gave him some space and left him to it.
On one of these nights, he came to bed while I was still awake. I put my arms around him and said 'is there anything I can do to help you or comfort you?' and he said 'no,' - pretty gruffly. I could feel he wasn't welcoming my touching him (it wasn't a sexual touch, just a hug) so I let go, said good night and turned over to go to sleep. A few minutes later he said 'you're not going to start crying and having a go at me now, are you?' - I had some headphones in so I took them out and turned around and asked him what the problem was, and he said the same thing again, but in a really beligerent manner. I said, 'I just want to go to sleep,' and he asked me again if I was sure I just wanted to go to sleep. I was baffled. By that point it was pretty clear he was slightly the worse for wear for drink and I remembered how it went the last time I gave him an inch of listening room while he was drinking - and I do have a boundary around that - so I just turned over and went to sleep.
In the morning he was quite sullen with me. I asked again if there was anything I could do to help him and he said no again, and I said, 'okay. And the way you spoke to me last night was not acceptable to me. I did nothing wrong, and it isn't okay for you to treat me that way no matter how you are feeling. You owe me an apology.' He rolled his eyes and sniggered (I haven't seen that petty and sarcastic side of him for a good while) so I left the room.
Since then - that was about three days ago - I have kept my distance. We've been perfectly cordial and communicating when necessary for the sake of practicalities and the children. We're like ships in the night anyway - working and homeschooling and relay parenting - so this wouldn't be unusual - except he won't make eye contact with me, there's no friendly or affectionate touches, he sits in a room on his own with his headphones on when he's not engaging with the children and after they've gone to bed, and that's it. It's basically like an in-house separation.
This was the kind of treatment that used to drive me to all kinds of crazy behaviour before BD. I think part of it is self preservation - I suspect he's exhausted, and he's taken his work disappointment to heart and is feeling some humiliation (he is MASSIVELY motivated by what he imagines other people think of him - he's a man that runs on shame) so much of this is nothing to do with me. I also think he's feeling controlled by my request that he apologise to me. I think I reacted in that moment as I was thinking about that night - a couple of months ago now - where he turned up to bed drunk and started tearing into me out of the blue, taking out all his self-inflicted resentments and complaints on me. It was hurtful and I was so clear it was never to happen again. I was scared it was about to happen which is why i cut off a frankly strange line of questioning from him and went to sleep, and why I was so trenchant with him the next morning - I really need him to know I will no longer take this &#*$ from him. But he probably feels told off, and he used to tell me quite often 'when you're not nice to be around, I won't be around you' and then give me days and days of stonewalling and silent treatment like this. I am struggling today to pick apart the two - how much of this is his self preservation in a time of stress - and how much of this is punishing behaviour.
What's different is that I am not being driven crazy. I am not distressed or hurt or desperately trying to placate him or cajole him into being nice to me again. I will never go back to that. I'm not doing any of the pursuer type behaviours I used to do. I also don't feel the stress or anxiety or sense of worthlessness that I used to feel. I feel a bit of pity for him, and, if I am honest, a fair bit of the old contempt - that he's still in the habit of treating his wife like this when there's something going on either in his life or in his marriage that isn't to his liking.
I am taking care of myself. The kids. Working and getting outside and doing my share in the house and seeing my friends. I am trying to take into account that he's working hard in a stressful role and has had little time to himself for weeks. I am also trying to take into account that we're different people, and while my way would be to talk things through, his way - to let things lie - isn't necessarily a bad thing. I think in the past if he'd have rejected my attempt to get close or comfort him I would have been upset or nagging or distressed and made it all about me and my feelings, and he was probably reacting to that old pattern, rather than what was actually happening. And that's on him and I won't take responsibility for it, though I can understand it.
Ideas of where to go now? I guess I've been doing DB to the letter the past few days and feeling fine, but at some point a repair or reconnection will have to happen and I have no idea how to go about it without resorting to pursuing, and I won't do that, as it feeds his distancing behaviours and rewards his punishing behaviours.
Edited to add: what would normally happen is that I'd get really upset and demand a conversation about this, where we'd talk for ages and ages, and eventually he'd give some form of apology and I'd eventually extract some empathy from him. I really don't want to go back there again: it was bad for me, bad for him and bad for our marriage. I'm also unwilling to take responsibility for the way he feels right now. Part of me just wants to leave him alone and see how long he feels like keeping this up, though that also feels immature and like a 'he started it' type of action. He did act badly, I can understand why, and I told him it wasn't acceptable. I don't think either of us know how to move on from there. There won't be an apology - he's too proud and fragile to even countenance that - and while he might want to make it my fault, I don't care to accept that and his opinions aren't of interest to me right now.
