And then it was over.

[Ginger1]

Ok, I’m going to break it down for you.

I believe you had said you had ASKED your H to stay in the house while he had his affair. You shouldn’t ask. If he stays he stays, if he goes he goes. Keeping him somewhere he doesn’t want to be is what gets you those looks of contempt and his bitterness and unkindness towards you. And if you ask him to stay, you shouldn’t be on end ge, trying to cater to and placate him and try to “win” against the other woman. It makes him look and feel like the king while you are are vying to win him. That’s being walked all over. That’s not having self worth. Making personal strides toward becoming plan A for yourself while he is under your roof is what will be a win-win. Not watching his every move or be intimidated by him, ensuring you have time to get out of the house at night just as he does.

But if he wants to go, let him go. Bottom line. Keeping him there because a chapter in the DB book or a coach says that’s your beat chance isn’t going to help if you can’t detach and be a confident strong woman who isn’t affected by him dangling the affair in your face. And quite honestly, I wouldn’t be able to do that. Not many can.

The D coach, I am sure is coaching you to GAL while in this situation and turn the focus on you and your kids, and become the best you for yourself. And that might get noticed, but can’t be faked. And even if he didn’t act on it, you did that for YOU. You mention a bit of an identity crisis you were going through. Work on that for you!

When we make it a competition, and just a “I’m going to get him back!” Scenario, often, problems that existed don’t get solved. It doesn’t make for a marriage 2.0 when you just put out all the stops to get the Walkaway back. Often why you find the people who reconciled come back years later .

Look at you. Turn all that focus on you. I know it feels counter intuitive and almost impossible. But whether or not he comes back, ( and he should have to work for it) you are going to come out better and stronger. Your kids will see it too.

And I hate to say this, but don’t assume the affair is going to fizzle out. Because they all don’t. My ex has been remarried to his affair partner for 9 years..... can’t say they have a healthy R. ... but it’s only my concern where my daughter in involved . And I am actually so grateful he didn’t come back, because he is not a healthy man. And we actually are better to eachother divorced than married.

Living under the same roof while separated with no affair is a lot easier than woth an affair. Personally, for me, is I am not going to act like your wife while you while you are having an affair with another woman. Heck no. And if you chose to stay under my roof while it goes on, I take care of me, you take care of you. Because I know I am worth being plan A, and will be plan A for myself . If you chose to follow, then we can work from there.

You can’t own his stuff. But you can own yours. And work on it. But that doesn’t mean being a doormat. And by being a doormat, I mean asking him to stay and treating him like a husband when he isn’t acting like one.

I hope this makes sense. The problem with the book is when your ale it verbatim, but don’t use it in context. For many of those things to work, you need to get yourself to a certain headspace. And getting to that headspace takes a lot of hard, uncomfortable work

[LH19]

B,

Ginger did a great job about hammer home most of the points but I wanted to discuss the idea of “kicking him out.” Now legally you can’t kick him out assuming that his name is on the mortgage. But you can ask him to leave. That communicates to him that you are not ok with the affair.

Ginger is right when she says IHS while someone is in an active. To do it the MWD way they are assuming that you will put all the focus on you and the kids and you can probably admit to yourself that it is almost impossible to do.

I have nothing but compassion for you Bluesea because I can feel the pain in your posts. The quickest way back is to go in a straight line in the opposite direction. It sure is easier said then done.

[BlueSea]

Thank you Ginger! I finally get what you are saying! Doormat = asking him to stay & treating him like a husband.

I definitely made a big mistake in asking him to stay. I think I threw in something like, 'I can't make you stay, but I prefer you did', that was the intention, but I know it came off more like I am okay with you staying while you figure this (ie, the affair) all out. Can I fix this? How do I do tee that up for a re-do? I know R talks are taboo. Do I just wait until he brings it up, saying he wants to leave? Because I think that is coming, not sure. My response to that would be something like, 'If this is what you want to do, I can not stop you - let me know when you plan to go and I will have the kids and myself out of the house so you can go without us here.' That wasn't my speech but the DB coach. It sounds good to me, then I would exit left, go make dinner, or go for a ride.

After the above gets cleared up - there are two options: if he decides to stay I WILL NOT act like his wife - ie, no dinners, no laundry, nothing. Talk only when he initiates - and respond friendly but cordial. No R talks. And keep the focus on me and the kids only. I can do that.

The other option is if he goes, seems like its the same thing but on a 'less' level.

Ok, so now LH has also posted - and is saying that I should ask him to leave. This is where I start to get confused. Am I asking him to leave or letting him to decide what he wants to do?

THANK YOU BOTH!

[LH19]

B,

Ultimately he’s gonna decide what he wants to do because legally you can’t kick him out. Asking him to leave is communicating you are not cool being in an open marriage. The 100% point you’re trying to make is H I can’t control what you do but I love myself too much to live in an open marriage.

[BlueSea]

I went for a ride to get myself ready for the conversation...needed to be in the right headspace. When I got back, he had sent an email.

I've been wanting to some express some appreciation to you in person, but I was pretty certain that I would screw it up, so I wrote it down....

I just want to tell you that while things are pretty awful right now, they may not be as bad as you imagine. I know that you are going through hell and putting up with a LOT from me right now. I'm being extremely selfish and we both know that. I really am trying to find my way through this. Please know that I see what you are going through and while I can not image it, I am trying to understand and empathize.

I just wanted to tell you that I very much appreciate your tolerance of my bad behavior on so many levels over the past months. I sincerely admire your strength and courage. I do see it and it *IS* making a difference.

Thank you for not giving up on me so far and please don't give up on me yet.

I didn't move forward with the conversation but its ready. Its hard for me to change gears so quickly: from getting to the place to be ready to have the conversation, then reading his email, I feel sidetracked for tonight.

[LH19]

B,

So the translation is you and the children are supposed to be the most important people in the world to me and I know you’re in extreme pain and going through hell. I know this is putting our children through hell but I don’t care. I only care about what makes me happy. I think it’s this OW but I’m not 100% sure. Can you wait until I am sure in case I need to come back home and act like nothing happened?

Blue I know you see this as a sign of hope but this will be another thing that makes you cringe years down the road when you think about it. This I promise you.

[may22]

BlueSea,

Stay the course! WHs are very good at scenting their LBWs finally starting to stand up for themselves and detaching. He's trying to keep you on the hook. That doesn't mean what he's saying isn't true-- he may very well be feeling all those things-- but remember, believe nothing of what they say and half of what they do. What LH says above is totally correct-- he maybe feels guilty about being a total and complete a-hole, but it hasn't stopped him from still doing it.

It also shows that what you are doing is working. MWD says see what works and KEEP IT UP. That means do not respond lovingly. If i were you, I'd totally ignore it and keep on focusing 100% on yourself and detaching. I wouldn't acknowledge his email at all. Let him wonder what you're thinking, if you read it, etc.

Keep it up! Stay strong!

[Ginger1]

He’s basically telling you I’m hurting you, sorry, but I’m still going to continue with the affair.

It’s his way of keeping you on the hook. He needs his plan B there .

Things could be rocky woth his affair partner and she might dump him.

Do you want to be the back up? Or do you want to be number one?

If that ever did happen, where his OW dumps him and he comes crawling back, that door shouldn’t be wide open. Else you’ll most likely go through this a second time .

Keep the course. Don’t be sucked in by words that have no action.

Always look at actions.

[Sage4]

I agree with May, IGNORE THIS EMAIL. Pretend that he didn't even write it. And even more importantly, pretend that you never read it (ie, don't change your behavior based upon this email).

He is acknowledging in writing that you are plan B and you have already decided that you do not want to be plan B.

Can you get out of the house and GAL today? Can you go NC as much as possible over the next few days? He is likely going to ask if you got his email. What is your response going to be?

Stay mighty, BlueSea!

[BlueSea]

Alot of things happened for me yesterday.
1. Light bulb moment spurred on by Gingers post about not being a doormat, and understanding what that meant I needed to do.
2. Kids telling me they just want me to be done with him, I have asked them to be nice - they don't want to be, and don't want him here anymore. They don't like him, and do not like how I am tolerating all this.
3. His email. I just felt numb about it.
4. Nothing changed. He stepped out all last night, 11pm to 5am.

Last night, I ended up driving around, bought some vodka - parked in my own driveway - and drank. I am not a drinker. What I do remember telling him, was that all the wife activities (laundry, cooking, cleaning for him) would be stopping - that this was something I could not do going forward without growing resentment towards him. He tried to respond that he had no expectations and he could help clean...but I clipped him off. I just wanted to have my say - because he ALWAYS has had expectations that I do all that for him. (hovering over the dinner pans and asking what is his - not touching anything in the kitchen, leaving his laundry basket overflowing)

I let him know that the kids have issues with all this and him, and that I would not be running interference any longer. They will be treating him based on how they feel. That is up to him to handle his own relations with them.
- He says with sarcasm, "sure, they think I am the bad guy" - I felt he was baiting me, and did not respond. That would just be argument territory and I did not want to get waylaid there.

He told me that the email was just him taking one brick off the 'resentment wall' he has for me. That he still has alot of resentment against me. That he can not be with me in any way yet. That whatever books I am reading or advice I am getting, is working. He needs his time and space to figure things out. I did alot of nodding and agreeing. He rarely says anything so I just listened. He hugged me, he told me I really looked good. And then I left the room. In an hour he left the house.

I guess after all that - I was really surprised that he stepped out last night. During our conversation, he said he knew it was hard on me, and I told him that the next day after he is out all night is really hard on me - and I let him know that I could not handle that for too long. But he went anyway. So there you have it, he does not care.

Believe nothing of what they say and half of what they do....

My sadness is turning the corner to anger. And it seems like its going to be alot easier to detach now. Plus, hearing the kids hurt, is fueling the momma bear. I feel little parts of me assembling, coming together in pieces. My plans for today are to DB hard and tend to the kids and myself.