DB Principles aside, lately I've been feeling like I'm missing something. D has been brought up by H more times than ever, and I have been acting like a gray rock. I've been distant, avoidant, and cold.
This is not loving detachment. LBSs often get this wrong. Please read more on detachment. Google "self-differentation in marriage".
Originally Posted by wooba
Over the weekend, H came over to watch the kids for a few hours while I ran errands. God knows what happened, I spontaneously chose to do something different. I was upbeat and smiley. I pulled him aside in a corner away from the kids to talk about what S9 wants for his upcoming birthday. It was a nice 5 min convo. He did somehow manage to insert a Q about money there, but did not directly talk about D.
Nothing wrong with this exchange. Present. Upbeat. Pleasant. That is how you act with him.
Originally Posted by wooba
The next day he came over again to watch the kids, and this time H pulled me aside to continue the convo about S9's birthday present. In the middle of the conversation, I asked him, "I saw that you packed some of your workout stuff, you're getting back in the gym?" he said, "yea, I'm gonna try. Although this depression drinking certainly is not helping." I said, "That's great! You did lose some weight." and I touched his arm.
Question: Did touching his arm constitute pressure and/or pursuit? You should be framing everything you do and say to determine if it is pressure and pursuit. Remember your goal is ZERO, NONE, NADA pressure and pursuit.
Originally Posted by wooba
And during that conversation, I really looked at him. I looked at this man in a way that I have not in many months. Tears did not fill my eyes. Resentment did not fill my heart. There was no sorrow, no pain, no regret. It was an out of body experience, like I was seeing him in a different dimension. Knowing all the sh1t he's put me through, and anticipating all the possibilities he's done me wrong, I truly let it all go in those few seconds.
THIS IS WHAT DETACHMENT IS!! Well done. Remember, when you interact: present, upbeat, pleased. But his words and deeds should have no effect on you emotionally. That is detachment.
Originally Posted by wooba
I guess the Q I'm asking myself is - if I direct good energy into our relationship now, will it ultimately push us to the right route together? Even if I know it's all probably just wishful thinking? Maybe this will just have to be another experiment....
Direct good energy sounds a lot like pressure and pursuit. That hardly ever works. Almost never. WASs are like cats. The minute you reach out to them they retreat the other direction. If you sit still, indifferent to whether they want attention or not, usually they will approach you and jump up on your lap. When they do: upbeat, present, pleased. BUT NO PRESSURE OR PURSUIT! IE, the way you reacted to his going to the gym would have been great without the arm touch.
Originally Posted by wooba
I think the coming of summer has me spinning a little. Last summer I took the kids back to the states. H and I checked in with each other on the phone everyday, we talked on the phone everyday. It was when I came back that things started to fall apart. Incidentally, when we were apart was when I realized that some things gotta change. I was ready to come back and initiate a conversation about our R. Instead, I came home to a reality I was not expecting.
Expectations will almost always disappoint you. Expect the worst, hope for the best. He talked to you on the phone because there was so much distance. He felt no pressure and pursuit with a daily phone call. When you were present he started to feel pressure and pursuit. It oozes naturally from a LBS. That is why detachment is so important, because once you truly detach then that natural pressure and pursuit dissipates.
Originally Posted by wooba
anyhoo, just some random ramblings. tomorrow is a new day. I will receive it with a new mind.
Have you read DR? If so, have you read it recently? It sounds as if you are still reacting to his actions. He's distant so I am going to be distant, avoidant and cold. "Oh we had a nice convseration about gift for S. Then another about him going to the gym! Maybe I should start pressuring and pursuing!" Remember, what is intuitive usually works against you. The right approach here is to continue being detached. Continue to focus on yourself. How's GAL? How are your self-improvements (180s) coming?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
