random thoughts.

Can you turn a vision into a reality?

DB Principles aside, lately I've been feeling like I'm missing something. D has been brought up by H more times than ever, and I have been acting like a gray rock. I've been distant, avoidant, and cold.

Over the weekend, H came over to watch the kids for a few hours while I ran errands. God knows what happened, I spontaneously chose to do something different. I was upbeat and smiley. I pulled him aside in a corner away from the kids to talk about what S9 wants for his upcoming birthday. It was a nice 5 min convo. He did somehow manage to insert a Q about money there, but did not directly talk about D.

The next day he came over again to watch the kids, and this time H pulled me aside to continue the convo about S9's birthday present. In the middle of the conversation, I asked him, "I saw that you packed some of your workout stuff, you're getting back in the gym?" he said, "yea, I'm gonna try. Although this depression drinking certainly is not helping." I said, "That's great! You did lose some weight." and I touched his arm.

And during that conversation, I really looked at him. I looked at this man in a way that I have not in many months. Tears did not fill my eyes. Resentment did not fill my heart. There was no sorrow, no pain, no regret. It was an out of body experience, like I was seeing him in a different dimension. Knowing all the sh1t he's put me through, and anticipating all the possibilities he's done me wrong, I truly let it all go in those few seconds.

I guess the Q I'm asking myself is - if I direct good energy into our relationship now, will it ultimately push us to the right route together? Even if I know it's all probably just wishful thinking? Maybe this will just have to be another experiment....

I think the coming of summer has me spinning a little. Last summer I took the kids back to the states. H and I checked in with each other on the phone everyday, we talked on the phone everyday. It was when I came back that things started to fall apart. Incidentally, when we were apart was when I realized that some things gotta change. I was ready to come back and initiate a conversation about our R. Instead, I came home to a reality I was not expecting.

anyhoo, just some random ramblings. tomorrow is a new day. I will receive it with a new mind.


BD: Sep 2019
D in progress