Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[Pommy99]

Hi Pommy,
For you, I might just spend some time thinking really seriously about what YOU need in order to feel secure about taking this next step. What do you need to see from him in order to feel like this is different from the last time? it sounds different, for sure (though I'd also be annoyed at him telling the kids before talking to you-- that smacks a bit of unclear judgment/desperation). I also wonder if he's really freaking out about the possibility of losing you to an OM. I definitely think that can spark the pursuer in him and he's frantic not to lose you. I guess the big question is did his light switch turn on for real and is he willing to do all the hard work to be the H you deserve, vs once he feels secure again in your R and OM is no longer a threat will he backtrack.

May, these fears are very real. I am scared of him backtracking again. I am scared that his motives aren't genuine. We are still in lockdown, and even once restrictions are eased, socialising and getting back to work are a long way off. My company has today notified us that we need to plan to WFH until at least end of September. H's company will be the same, and there is no way he will be going to the city for a long time. I do worry if he's coming back through circumstance - realising he's possibly not going to strike up any new relationships, social life any time soon and it's a case of stick with me or be lonely for a long time. That's the side that sees the negatives. Then there are the positives, talking about growing old with me, wanting to love me and be the husband he hasn't been, wanting me to love him back. That's the side I've not seen in any of the pursuer-distancer games. His pursuing has very much been " I dont want you but I cant let you go" up to now.

I do possibly think seeing me happy, confident, knowing that I'm talking to another [successful] guy, being made to feel special, etc has made him realise that I am desirable to other men, and if he doesnt pull his finger out he will lose me. What sticks with me is that he always said before we separated is that he really needs to feel like his lost me in order to know if he wants me. He also said he would only come back if he knew it would be forever as he could never put me through this again. I hope this is genuine.

I've just received the most amazing bouquet of flowers. They are anonymous. But they are my favourite flower (had them in my wedding bouquet) and only he would know that.

Wow, I could get used to this!!

I definitely think you did the right thing in not just taking him back. I know everyone here is going to caution you to take your time, and I agree. However, I do think it is important for you to decide what you will and will not accept, what behaviors you want to see from him, how to protect the kids from too much whiplash. Will he take a local job and stop the traveling? What's he going to do about the EAP? How does he think he can regain your trust after the lies?

When my H finally made his decision, the thing that stood out to me that was really different was that previously it had all been about emotion, what he wanted, how he felt, what he didn't want to miss out on. There was no logic, no real thought put into the realities of S/D, just this fantasy of being best friends and still the perfect dad while living next door with AP. He is logical to a fault in real life and in all other scenarios. (Annoying to argue with.) When he made his final decision, it was very logical, focusing on his responsibilities and the right thing to do by to the kids, me, himself and even the AP. It was one of the main reasons I felt he was serious about his decision-- but I also tried to not put too much stock in it, but to let it be and see if his actions followed his word.

Do you think my H is showing similar to yours? Up until now it's been about what he wants, what I'm not, what he doesnt feel. Now it's about what he can do for me, what role he wants to play as a husband, what he contributes to the M.

We've got to get the balance right between talking about our boundaries, requirements etc and just actually enjoying each other's company. We are so battle-weary and I think both of us are more than ready to unchain ourselves from the constant negativity of the last year. We are exhausted.

I think Wayfarer mentioned on one of your posts recently that whilst not seeing a MC, to keep to a weekly timeslot to discuss the R, and keep it off the table for the rest of the week. I think I would like to do that. In the meantime, just have some time being in each other's company. Truth be known, I feel completely blind right now - I have no idea how to move forward and potentially end a separation. I need to read my DB book!

It sounds like you're seeing your H back again, which is great. But he also sounds really emotional and flowery and I just want to ask you-- is this him at the core? Or is he possibly swinging a bit manic into the perfect H and telling you everything you want to hear? I'm not saying this to doubt him or his intentions. I just think he might be reacting out of fear of losing you right now and you know him best to be able to judge how solid this, and what you'll need to see from him in order to have that confidence.

Do you think he sounds flowery? In what way? Do you think his fear of losing me is NOT a good reason to want to come back? I dont think he has ever been overtly emotional, and I think he has struggled through our M to express his emotions, and perhaps that is also my fault if he felt that I havent been there for him in that way. I dont think either of us have been good at expressing our needs or understanding what we can do for each other. We both seem to be in a better place right now of knowing what we want and what we want to contribute to a M.