Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[may22]

Hi Pommy,

Wow. Big news! Some thoughts for you-- you might read or re-read AlisonUK and BluWave's threads. Alison had a similar sitch to you, H with an EA, S for some time, and I know she feels like she took him back too quickly. Blu's sitch was much harder (H had a full-on A, living with AP, etc) and she set very firm boundaries before she let him back, he didn't move back in right away, etc.

For you, I might just spend some time thinking really seriously about what YOU need in order to feel secure about taking this next step. What do you need to see from him in order to feel like this is different from the last time? it sounds different, for sure (though I'd also be annoyed at him telling the kids before talking to you-- that smacks a bit of unclear judgment/desperation). I also wonder if he's really freaking out about the possibility of losing you to an OM. I definitely think that can spark the pursuer in him and he's frantic not to lose you. I guess the big question is did his light switch turn on for real and is he willing to do all the hard work to be the H you deserve, vs once he feels secure again in your R and OM is no longer a threat will he backtrack.

I definitely think you did the right thing in not just taking him back. I know everyone here is going to caution you to take your time, and I agree. However, I do think it is important for you to decide what you will and will not accept, what behaviors you want to see from him, how to protect the kids from too much whiplash. Will he take a local job and stop the traveling? What's he going to do about the EAP? How does he think he can regain your trust after the lies?

When my H finally made his decision, the thing that stood out to me that was really different was that previously it had all been about emotion, what he wanted, how he felt, what he didn't want to miss out on. There was no logic, no real thought put into the realities of S/D, just this fantasy of being best friends and still the perfect dad while living next door with AP. He is logical to a fault in real life and in all other scenarios. (Annoying to argue with.) When he made his final decision, it was very logical, focusing on his responsibilities and the right thing to do by to the kids, me, himself and even the AP. It was one of the main reasons I felt he was serious about his decision-- but I also tried to not put too much stock in it, but to let it be and see if his actions followed his word.

It sounds like you're seeing your H back again, which is great. But he also sounds really emotional and flowery and I just want to ask you-- is this him at the core? Or is he possibly swinging a bit manic into the perfect H and telling you everything you want to hear? I'm not saying this to doubt him or his intentions. I just think he might be reacting out of fear of losing you right now and you know him best to be able to judge how solid this, and what you'll need to see from him in order to have that confidence.

The cynic inside should be asking how can you just flick a switch to turn on your feeling again, but I can 100% vouch for the fact that it is possible. 15 months ago we went out for dinner, we were at rock bottom, we hated each other, we hadn’t been intimate for a year and I was convinced the conversation would be about D/S. What actually happened was we had a brilliant night, I saw the man I had fallen in love with, we ended up in bed for a whole weekend and it felt amazing and I was in love again. Unfortunately he found it hard to,understand how I could go from no sex for a year to wanting him so much literally overnight. ( It was about a month after that that I found out about the EA. )

As an aside-- I had a very, very similar experience with my H last Feb, where I walked away feeling like I *saw* him again for the first time in years, let go of a bunch of resentment, and wanted him again. (My H had a similar reaction to yours as well). So I also totally know how that can happen. It doesn't negate all the hard work you'll both have to do, but I agree it is possible.