a new normal

[may22]

So, we had the big talk last night. It went relatively well. I got to ask all the questions I had been bottling up and he was open and transparent (with one exception), and he respected my desire to avoid any talking about the feelings, though I did mention it a bit. The upshot is:

-- I was right, they weren't just texting/calling-- they were primarily using WhatsApp. Ha! I knew it had to be something. I had snooped a bit through his texts and call logs and never found anything, never thought to look at WhatsApp. All threads are deleted, he showed me the app. He said that he went through phases when he was closer to me when if he had any communication he'd delete it immediately and times when things were more strained between us that he'd "clean up" after himself less... we didn't get into why.

-- He saw her once in another city I hadn't known about, early on.

-- He's deleted all her emails, photos, text threads, etc. He said anything that could remotely be considered a memento is gone.

--We talked about a couple of specific times that were painful to me and talking more about them was helpful-- turns out once I knew the full truth, it was far less worse than I had been imagining. Things that I had blown up in my mind to be bigger than they were.

-- On the what happened when he did the final break off-- this is the only thing he was reluctant to share about. He gave me the broad strokes. He brought up again how much he valued that I gave him the freedom to do this how he wanted and still felt like it was somehow taking that away by telling me a play-by-play. He also said where he is in his healing process that he didn't think it was a good idea to relive that conversation right now, but that he could assure me nothing happened I'd be upset about. I said, fine and that I wasn't going to ask him again about it.

-- When the feelings part did come up, he talked about it in the past tense again. He said he'd been thinking in recent weeks that maybe/probably it never would have worked out with her anyway.

-- He said he's been talking with his IC about the fact that when he was in the A, he felt like it made sense that he didn't feel the "in love" feelings with me because those feelings were elsewhere. Now that those feelings are not really there anymore for AP, he still isn't feeling them strongly for me and he doesn't know what to make of that. He said he still feels kind of ambivalent about sex, that we still don't have a "deep emotional connection." I asked him if he thought we used to and lost it or if we never had it, he said he thought we had it and lost it. Then he said maybe deep emotional connection is the wrong word, maybe "emotional intimacy." I feel like he's searching for that "in love" limerent feeling and he'll never get it again with me.

--He's been working with his IC on why he did this, he wants to work on it also when we can get back to see the MC. We talked a little about him not really fully grasping my pain and what I've been dealing with, and he said he has a really hard time with it because he knows he was the cause, and it puts him in this place that is really really hard for him. I said I get it, but at some point I think it is important for him to really go there and understand deeply what he did and how it impacted me. I said maybe that was part of the emotional blockage with me. He validated.

-- Man, the SSM is still such a hot and painful topic for him. He has not forgiven me for this-- even though it has been more than a year since I had my personal breakthrough around the SSM and (I have felt) demonstrating to him that I'm not that person anymore (for me). He is really still hanging on to this, and also resentment around incidents where he felt controlled/belittled by me that are like 5-7 years old. He brought one up, and while he talked about it calmly and how he felt at the time, the anger/disappointment/feelings of being dismissed or not good enough were still clearly right there. I apologized and told him I was wrong. (I was.) He was floored, said as many times as he's brought that incident up I'd never actually just straight up apologized, I always had a reason for why I behaved the way I did. (Not sure, but I'll give him that... if he didn't think I apologized, then I clearly didn't do a good enough job.)

--I am in this weird space about the SSM. When I had the breakthrough experience (weirdly, around the same time as Pommy had a similar experience) I also let go of all these bottled- up resentments I had been holding on for years that had been contributing to the SSM from my side. Like totally let them go to the point I can't really remember what they are and they sound stupid when I try to explain. I've told him this, and also taken responsibility, but he still has a lot of unprocessed anger around the fact that it happened and then also the fact that I 'changed my mind' one day and he felt expected him to come a-running when I snapped my fingers. For me, I'm grateful that I had this experience because it did allow me to rediscover myself as a woman, not just a mom; it let me SEE my H again, not just the simulcrum I'd been building up in my head; and it is so freeing to drop all those resentments and truly let them go. I'm hopeful at some point my H can do the same, and I don't actually think we'll ever get to M2.0 until this happens. Hopefully it is something we can work on together in MC when we can get back there, but I know this is something he needs to do for himself. Right? Or am I missing something? Any advice here? It is hard to talk about because he is still so angry and hurt about it, even when he is talking about it calmly.

--For newbies-- I just want to reinforce how very, very long all of this takes. It has been over a year since I read DR and implemented a number of 180s. One of these was being supportive about H doing some of his own stuff, and also taking time to do things just for me. This was a big 180 for me as (I'm embarrassed to say) I was not cool with time H took away from "the family" to do things for himself, and as much as H would push me to go and do things for myself I never took him up on them, because I felt guilty. This 180 was huge for me-- again, for ME-- I have discovered so much joy and peace in taking time for myself, shedding the guilt that I shouldn't be spending time and money on something just for me-- and also valuing the time apart when he goes surfing or whatever and I can sleep in. It is a major and beneficial change for both of us. When we spoke last night, he said he still feels like I just tolerate him doing his stuff and he feels guilty about it. I was floored. I have actively supported and encouraged this for more than a year. I have not once said anything that could be construed as guilt-inducing (and I know this, because I know how I used to do it-- and again, I no longer have those feelings of resentment around him doing things for himself. I truly mean it when I tell him to go and have fun.) During the lockdown, I've told him to get out and surf more because this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to surf these uncrowded places without all the tourists. I said this, and he didn't disagree with me-- he said, OK, I guess you are right-- but he had internalized all this to the point that he's still holding on to a paradigm that ended more than a year ago. So here's a situation where we have been living under the same roof for all these months, I've implemented a 180 with, in this case, perfect or near-perfect consistency, been LOVING how it makes me feel-- and my H still doesn't truly trust it. I feel badly for him on this, since I know how awful it is to have any solo time tinged with guilt. (Any advice for me? Just keep it up? Should I make more of a point of it or just do what feels right to me?)

Overall, I am really glad I was able to ask all these questions and get them answered without feeling like I was pulling teeth or having to ask the exact right question to be sure I was getting the full answer. He also re-committed to it being over with AP and her being out of our lives, and if for any reason she ever tries to contact him, he'll let me know before responding. I said it was important to me that we feel like we're partners in this and he said he felt like we were. (I hadn't been feeling that so much.) We had been snippy towards each other all week, I think because the weight of knowing this conversation was coming was on both of us. I finally feel like I have what I need to put the A in the rearview mirror.'

But wow, we still have so much to work through. We did sleep together afterwards and I think we'll continue to talk about stuff, though for now I'm done digging into the "what happened" during the A. Still want to talk about the whys.