I've been away from the board several days, so I'm trying to catch up.
I've not been in your shoes, and all I can do is empathize. When I read your posts about the interactions with your W, it reminds me how much I disliked staying in the same room as my H. This, of course, was after my "cyber-cheating". Isn't that what your W called it? Like your W, I was turned off to everything my H said & did. The WW's head space is so messed up. It's another reason for stressing you need to detach, give plenty of space, and time.
My concern is for you, and maybe b/c I can relate to your need to interact vocally. However, I can't stress enough that it is not going to help your relationship with your W, currently. Should the M be saved, then you can resume, but you may need to tweak a few things. In the meantime, you may need to put this particular pleasure on hold. I'll be very blunt. Most WW accounts show she is not interested in what he has to say, especially when it does not concern her. As much as you desire to see her return to her old self, she's not ready.
As your community begins to resume its normal activities, maybe you'll consider participating in some like-minded discussion groups. For example (and it's only an example), you could attend a group supporting/encouraging the LBS. I don't mean a couple's class, but other LBS who want to save their M. Another example, could be those who are working to lose weight, exercise together, encourage each other, etc. It seems you need an emotional outlet, as well as receiving encouragement. You are verbally social, so find something where you can interact this way. Maybe hang out with other guys who enjoy watching sports, or talking politics, or whatever. I totally understand your need to have these interactions with your spouse.........and, I'm not suggesting you jump to the polar opposite and never speak. Here's the thing you need to avoid, replacing your wife with another woman. You get some type of emotional need met by this verbal interaction, to the point you get frustrated when you don't get it. Therefore, your weak spot will come through another woman being so willing to hang on to every word you say. Do you see what I'm saying? Don't think for a second there's not a female out there ready to pounce on that opportunity. If I had a nickle for every LBH who immediately rebounded with another woman........well, I'd be wealthier than I am now.
I'm sorry if you've mentioned this previously, but have you considered IC for your anxiety? Do you take medication? I can't remember if this is an ongoing problem, or if it started after you discovered your W's inappropriate conduct.
If you were the spouse who nurtured the MR the most, then it must feel foreign to consider any other way of being a husband. It's obvious, to me, that your W highly resents you asking her questions, checking to make sure she's done this & that. I'm guessing you are the one who thinks ahead, and you are detailed. You want to take care of her, and that's why you ask if she'll need help moving, etc, etc. I'll bet you were the one to take care of budgeting, keeping up with house maintenance, pretty much everything else. You've probably rescued her many times over the years, however, you didn't mind too much, b/c it was your way of showing that you cared. Am I anywhere close? If so, then you might have more anxiety in letting go or adjusting in these areas, but I hope not. My guess is that your W feels you "mother" her. After becoming wayward, she resents it even more. It's difficult for me to explain, b/c there is nothing about the WW that makes sense to the logical thinking male. One minute she expects you to rescue her, and the next minute, she wants you to stay out of "her" business. The LBH must feel as though he is walking a tightrope.
I said all of that to suggest you do some deep thinking about how you can refrain from being quite as "helpful". Now, don't go off the deep end, like some newcomers tend to do. Stay balanced. I simply want you to think about all the ways you have taken care of her, and ask yourself what would she have done without you. By taking care of her, I mean that you ran the ship, which included her. I started to say to think about the ways you've taken care of her that didn't fall in the normal range of what most of us see as the husband's role. These days, it doesn't seem that simple anymore. I'm getting too far away from my main point, so let me see if I can pull it back.
The LBH has to stop being Mr. Fixer and let his WW figure things out for herself. In other words, if she wants to leave the marriage and have a life separate from him...then she has to put on her big girl panties and stop relying on him to run to her rescue whenever she is faced with a dilemma. Maybe you see it as no problem, but I'm wondering just how much this ties to your codependency.
One more thought before I close. During this time, you may want reassurance that your relationship with friends and in-laws won't change. I encourage you to not press it right now. Her folks may feel bombed shocked, and may be totally disgusted with her, but at the end of the day......they are "her" family. They may not support her decision, but they are her blood. So, just give them some room and time to digest some this rotten mess. It's horrible for everyone. I realize you want to keep things like they were, but I've read lots of stories where it caused more problems for everyone in the end (usually due to the WW's jealousy). Make sense?
Yes, tell the kids together.......unless you are fine with her telling them this is a decision that both of you have made (to divorce), b/c that's how she'll present it. As for telling the parents together? I can't help but think that you are in denial about how this is going to play out, should it come to that point. Plus, I'm wondering why you are so quick to accept being one of her friends on the side, if you can't be her husband. Maybe I'm interpreting it wrong, but do you see the two of you spending time together, once she's divorced you? For instance, having dinner together and watching a little TV? Do you see the entire family hanging out together, after a divorce? I'm not suggesting you become enemies. I'm just trying to see from your point of view.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
In the meantime, you may need to put this particular pleasure on hold. I'll be very blunt. Most WW accounts show she is not interested in what he has to say, especially when it does not concern her. As much as you desire to see her return to her old self, she's not ready. 