I'm happy to give you all an update. It's been way too long. We are slowly coming out of lockdown. Fortunately, our county was one of the first to be approved for reopening. There is a restaurant/pub that has been PACKED since restrictions were eased. I myself have not gone to any sit-down place since before the lockdown. I may keep it that way for awhile, at least until I can get more money in my pocket. The gym I frequent across the river opened up and I went back for workouts last week. Being in pain (from muscle soreness), has never felt so good. D6.17 (lol) studies are going pretty well, though I attribute it more to her mom than me. I do what I can, but it helps to have technology make it easier. I'm doing what I can to be more involved and not have her keep to herself while I game/nap/be depressed, but I am making progress.
On that note, I am still working on my anger. Right now, it's mostly venting frustration as a father. That being said, I have noticed how it negatively affects her when I raise my voice and she has been telling me to stop being loud because it hurts her feelings. I told her that I understand how she feels and there are better ways of getting my point across without resorting to a loud voice. It's been a challenge but I am making progress.
As I spend more time with D6, I notice how alike she is to her mom. D6 CRAVES attention from me. Holding my hand while we run errands, asking for hugs and cuddles, sitting with her while she watches TV, and bedtime storyreading while she sits on my lap following snuggling and head-scratching until she falls asleep. A lot of those things were the same things that XW wanted from me when we were together and due to my irritability and feeling like I was being smothered, I denied her. I carry a lot of guilt from that.
I have done a lot of self-reflection since my breakup and came to the realization that I am still carrying a lot of nice-guy characteristics. Though it has been improved when I was with her, I noticed that I still was not communicating my needs effectively. For example, one of the biggest peeves that I considered a dealbreaker was her apprehensiveness to come out to my house where I was going to her place about every weekend. I did ask her why she didn't want to visit and she said stuff about her kids and being close to her mom (she was undergoing cancer treatments). I let it go, but felt like it was a cop-out for her not to visit for one reason or another. I did not push it because I felt like I had other personal issues (like finding a job) and did not want to come across as whiny or petty. Towards the end of the R, she asked me if I needed anything from her. I paused and thought about the visiting part, but felt like it was not appropriate and that my expressing my desire for her to visit me more would express weakness on my end. I told her that I did not need anything now other than to just begin seeing each other again and once we started to do so we can go from there. Looking back, I could have done more, but I was afraid of coming across as controlling. Where would the balance between getting my needs net without sounding overbearing be?
I am really struggling to battle depression. I'm still functional with making sure everything is clean, errands are run and D6 is taken care of, however, I am immensely lonely. I hesitate to reach out to friends and when I game, I play solo. I have an appointment to see someone in early July once benefits kick in, so I'm hoping that I can start getting it addressed.
On the future of dating, I am going to give myself some time to be alone and single for the foreseeable future. I would like to casually date (emphasis on casual) towards the end of the year and go from there. Of course, that depends on how I am doing with life at that point. I am hoping that I will be in a better place then than where I am now. My goal is not hoping to date at the end of the year. My goal is to be a happier self. The dating would be a happy consequence of my self-improvement.
