Those last comments, the incumbent comment, made me feel better, and I thanked him for it. I am so far from detached - this guy owns me, one look, one word - changes everything. PLEASE HELP! I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW YOU ALL DID THE DETACHING . I seriously can not GAL right now in quarantine. I am struggling on how to detach. How do you stop loving someone that you want back so badly?
I have been thinking about this for the past couple of days as it hit so close to home for me in my situation. I struggled for months to accept the current state of our relationship and did all the wrong things -- cry, beg, plead, find anything I could say or do to try and 'fix' the situation. Nothing worked and my heart was just getting broken over and over again with each attempt.
I am no where near on the other side yet, but here are a few thoughts on my process:
- TIME it's so cliche, but it is really true. It takes time to get over grief, time to get yourself back and time to discover what you want. When the vets on this board say 'you have the gift of time', in my sad state of mind, I thought that the gift of time was for getting my H back. But now I realize that the gift of time is also for ME to discover if I really want H back.
- I like what May said about focussing on the things you don't appreciate or like about your H. A month ago I was in a spiral of 'how do I save my M? What changes can I make within myself to make him stay? I will do ANYTHING to keep our family intact!' I was overlooking or ignoring all the bad behaviors, treatment and the EA/OW. But the past couple weeks I have started to notice all the negative things that H has done or said to me over the past year. I am not dwelling on it or vilifying him to the point of no return, but when I start to feel sad or unsure, those thoughts are dominant. For the first time, I am really asking myself if I even want him back.
- It can be a sudden light switch! I read a post where one of the vets mentioned that LBW's tend to 'flip' into detachment quicker than LBH's. This doesn't mean that the pre-BD process is shorter, just that once the detachment starts, it can happen really fast. One day I was in tears and unsure how I was going to cope, and the next day I suddenly felt empowered and DONE with H's broken self, treatment of me and indecision. I have had a few wobbles since then, but my thoughts are overwhelmingly 'I've got this!' vs 'How am I ever going to survive this?'
- I have read a lot of threads on this board and am so grateful for everyone's stories. I have taken advice given to other people and used it in my own situation and it has really helped me. A couple of posters that I think would be really helpful for you to read from start to finish are BluWave (I see you have been introduced) and AlisonUK (she has some similar traits in her M). Besides the people regularly posting here for you (May is a fantastic voice of reason). And of course, listen to the vets. They are so wise, although you won't recognize the value of their 2x4's and wisdom in the moment.
Again, I am sharing all of this from the position of being only 1/2 a step ahead of you, if that. But I know you can get there. (((Hugs)))
