I called in sick to work today after posting that and instantly felt relief so let me try this again. I came here to try to save my marriage not realizing the only thing I could save was me. It's sad that the kids are collateral damage in H's new life but I don't have control over that. It will crush me when he remarries but I will have peace knowing he will not be happy. Maybe she's younger, prettier, richer and more fabulous than I will ever be but in the end he's still him. I've known him for 30 years and on the inside he's exactly the same.
I've come a long...long way since I came here 14 months ago. I'm happiER despite the monumental loss, grateful, closer to my kids, less stressed and have less anxiety. D14 isn't happy with H and wants to live with me. She just isn't willing to give up her own bedroom. Maybe the universe will intervene but if it doesn't I have no choice but to accept it. See this is evidence of my growth the ability to accept what life throws at me even if I don't like it.
This will be financially devastating but I'm a survivor. I'll be okay. Just now I googled "rooms for rent" and right away found one for $500 a month with a private bath. The owner is a retired woman living alone. Couple of others are situations where 2-3 women share a house. Before the BD I'd never in a million years consider such a bold move but now? Sounds fun. And this includes utilities AND internet!! I'm a hermit and with the cash I'd save I could do fun things while saving up for when I age out of that lifestyle or just keeping finding more old single women to live with. lol
I miss H, our life, our dreams, our future and I'm jealous that SHE took my place....sigh but I know what she got because I already had it. I'm guessing it just takes time to grieve all that I have lost.
We get the kittens tomorrow which will be a nice distraction. I'm tired now so I'm going to go take a nap. If you made it this far thanks for reading.
