Persistent Endurance (Part 8)

[SteveLW]

curtis, WOW. FIrst of all, your W is still, in her mind, clearly involved in the A, even if only on an EA level at the moment. She is still wayward. She is still wanting her cake and eat it too.

While it still would have been better to stick to no R talks, I do think that in certain circumstances that you have to have an R talk. I am well documented here as being a confronter. If I see something that resembles my W going astray again, I confront it head on. Make her make a clear choice right there an then. There is no more wishy-washiness from me, I am no longer suffering from any level of NGS.

Here is the problem, you've put down a line in the sand. You've told her in no uncertain terms that you will NOT tolerate her being married to you and seeing someone else. Now you have to stick to it. I'll get to my advice for next steps in a minute.

You are right, it isn't fair for you to live in limbo forever. Another thing I am a big proponent of is setting a date for when I expect her to be all in and all out. The date is for you, not her. You do not give her the date. You remain vague. "I will not tolerate living like this forever." "I am close to the end of my tolerance for our current situation." Things like that. Letting her know that limbo is not a permanent state.

As far as the "I contacted him because I thought you were meeting up with another woman", that is GARBAGE. HOT GARBAGE ON A STICK. This is more gaslighting and more excuses. With your current living situation you do not owe her the details she thinks she deserves. And even if you had given her a details itinerary of your trip, she still would have used it as her excuse. "You were gone having fun, I was lonely." Etc. It is all a lie. She is not over her addiction. She is trying to convince you she is NC so she can cake eat. This is why I am all for calling her out on it.

So as far as next steps, this is what I suggest:

1) Stick to your promise of not tolerating her seeing anyone else. If there is any further break of NC with OM3, you go file for D. Period, end of story. No need to ask her to move out, just have her served and be ready to move on.

2) Set a date, that even if she lives up to NC with OM3, that you will go file for D unless she is 100% committed back to the marriage. I cannot tell you how freeing it was for me to be DBing with an end goal in mind. Either my W came around by the date I chose, or I was going to go file for D myself. (For me it was one year after BD, but since BD was 12/23, I set my date for the first business day following the holidays.) Pick a date that works for you. "I can do this for 3 more months, 6 more months....etc".

curtis hang in there man, remember, Nice Guy Syndrome says to hang in there for your kids. Fear says hang in there for as long as it takes her. Sorry, but you are up to OM3, with a W that is clearly still wayward. It is time to start deciding what is best for CURTIS, not everyone else around him.