Persistent Endurance (Part 8)

[curtis7]

How's it going? A lot can happen in three weeks! I hope you're doing well.

Yes indeed. Sorry in advance for the long update, but yesterday was a whopper.

I did follow the advice and refrained from giving my W the earrings on Mother’s Day. They were Topaz btw, not diamonds JoeJoe lol. Instead I gave her a card signed by myself and the kids, a bag of nice coffee, and made her breakfast. She seemed to enjoy the day.

W has spent the past couple weeks listening to her friend’s relationship problems and giving advice. This is the GF whose H tragically died in a motorcycle accident last summer. The widowed GF has resumed a relationship with her AP that she was cheating on her now deceased H for a few years. Apparently, he’s not living up to her expectations. My W feels it’s her duty to be there as a good friend with texting and calls for hours daily. I do wish my W had GF’s that weren’t of the mindset that A’s are okay or divorced. She doesn’t seem interested in cultivating friendships with women in strong marriages. She’s got her two friends and she’s sticking with them.

W said her GF is being manipulated and controlled and she knows because OM3 did it to her. She said he always wanted her to be available for him at his mercy and that it was a massive time suck to text him throughout the day and night. W said she couldn’t see it when she was in the relationship and no one could help her see it. She had to realize it on her own. I asked how she is doing with everything right now. She said sometimes she’s better and sometimes she’s not. I asked if she thinks she made the right decision to end it. She said sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn’t. She said “I don’t feel that guilty, we were separated. I know you don’t feel the same way about that.” I replied that I wish she knew how much hurt I felt from the A. She validated my feeling by saying if the roles were reversed and I was with someone, she could see how that could hurt. This talk was going nowhere, maybe this, maybe that, non-committal about anything. I took away what she wasn’t saying and that’s that she wants to be with me.

My thoughts over the past few weeks were that this is not sustainable. There is no intimacy and only cordial interaction between the hours of 7am-11pm. I wondered what is the endgame here? Will my W ever open up to me and share her innermost feelings? If she does will it be smothered in lies and trickle truth? I feel that I’ve been patient and haven’t pushed. If this is the status quo of our MR from here on out, then I need to be strong and express how this will not work for me. I need a true partner that values and appreciates me and cares about my needs. I’ve been giving her slack and the benefit of the doubt if she is going through affair withdrawal.

My birthday came and went. Much different than last year when W only sent me a happy birthday text at 3pm. This year she picked up dinner, cake, and a balloon and gave me a power tool as a gift. I expressed my gratitude and appreciation to her for making the day special. This past weekend I went away on golf trip for a few nights with some former co-workers. The day I left W said “To be blunt after not living together for a year, I think we could use a break from each other.” I replied “You’re probably right.” The golf trip was a fun escape. On Monday, we went to the store and W was talking about our neighbors. However, instead of saying “Bob and Sue”, W said “OM3 and Sue”. I immediately called her out on saying his name. She said “I did?” I replied yes and she apologized.

This week was back to normal work from home and sleep alone at night. W’s phone broke last weekend so she had to use D5’s play phone until a new one arrived. Yesterday, D5 asked me to install a new game and when I picked it up the phone log was open and I saw the call history. There were a handful of outgoing calls to OM3 over the weekend through yesterday...46 minutes, 8 minutes, 3 minutes, 2 hours 22 minutes, 48 minutes...the text history was erased as well...RELAPSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was flooded with the sinking feeling of being back living in an open MR. I can’t go through that again. When W returned from her appointment I asked if she was back in contact with OM3. She replied “What makes you think that?” I told her I see the calls on D5’s phone. She said he reached out to her 2 weeks after she went no contact wishing her a happy Mother’s Day and she replied thanks. I asked why she didn’t feel the need to tell me. W said I was being secretive about the golf trip and she thought I was going to meetup with another woman because I didn’t tell her specifically where I was going or much of the details. The truth is the golf resort was in OM3’s city 2 hours away and I didn’t want to give her any reminders of him if she was going through withdrawal. W said “F it! If he doesn’t care why should I?” This is why she claims she called him over the weekend to see how he was doing and has been texting him since. She said he wanted to know what happened and that’s why they talked for so long. I asked if she has seen him since going NC 6 weeks ago or is making plans to see him. She said no, but that he is probably under the impression that they will see each other again.

I told her if he’s the one she wants then she should go be with him. I said I’ve tried everything I could but I needed her to meet me halfway. She said she doesn’t know if she can feel emotions for me again. I said she’ll never know that while you stay in contact and he continues to be on your mind. Perfect example was Monday when she said his name in the car. W said the only reason she’s here is because of the virus, not because she wants to work on us. I replied I know, clearly you haven’t chosen me. I told her I felt used. That I can’t go back to this secret double life because it destroyed me. I told her she has no idea what it’s like to be gaslighted. She asked how did I gaslight you. I gave her a few examples and she agreed. I told her it made me question my own sanity and I still do to this day because I don’t know what is real and what was a lie. I just said I was hopeful when she ended it with him that she might actually be able to see me differently once her feelings for him fade.

I went outside to think how I could go through this again. All the pain came back and I felt sick to my stomach. I felt my blood pressure rise and my head was boiling. I thought to myself how could I be so stupid to believe she would stick to NC.

I made the kids dinner then W and I had a long relationship talk. W said she feels manipulated by everyone. That OM3 and I say the same things to her. That nobody wants her until she breaks up with them. W said that my golf trip was bad timing and had a few tears in her eyes. She said the only reason she reached back out to him was because she thought I was going to meet someone while I was away. W doesn’t think we are repairable, there’s just too much and she has too many reservations about the past. She thinks once the kids are gone then we’ll have nothing shared and will be miserable. I told her it sounds like she made her decision then. She said I don’t know. I said I can’t go back to you being with someone else while married to me, it literally destroys me on the inside and I will not tolerate it again. I told her you can’t have it both ways.

I said this explains why you didn’t get a restraining order on OM3. W said he’s not dangerous and it was traumatizing because the kids were here when he came over that night. She said legal action can ruin someone’s life and that he’s not a bad person. W said she doesn’t think we can have anything more than a platonic business relationship. She said she thinks she’s not meant to be married and she should be single. (Heard all of this a year and half ago, same rhetoric). W said she doesn’t think she can trust anyone and she can’t even trust herself. She said she doesn’t think she has ever been “in love” with anyone.

Nothing else substantial was said. We spent the rest of the night playing with our kitty and W seemed to realize she royally F upped. Now, where does that leave me. My W is clearly ambivalent. I’m thinking about moving forward with D if she refuses to stick to NC with OM3 immediately. If she can’t commit to that, then she can go back to her house, have her single life, and never come back. I’m not playing the pick me game. Been there, done that. I’m tired of the disrespect.