And then it was over.

[may22]

Hi Misty,

On the competition... no. You are NOT in competition with her. That is what I meant when I said drop the paddle-- you can't win this game, so don't play.

Also... maybe it will help to think about what a total lying, cheating scumbag he is being right now. Why do you want him?

I also had a hard time separating myself from my identity as a mom/wife/working person. All day long people wanted something from me at work and then I came home and little people wanted something from me at home. A truly priceless part of this whole experience has been that it gave me back MYSELF and a better understanding of what I need and want to be happy and fulfilled. I'm glad your counselor pushed you on this and think you need to really double down here. Be selfish. What can you do today for youself?

An amazing vet named BluWave gave the following to me and I'm reposting it for you as I think it might help you. I copied this onto a note on my iPhone and read it multiple times a day.

You are the queen of your castle. Always.
You are the wife, you are the mother of these children, and this is YOUR family.
This is your home and you have a right to feel comfortable and safe there.
These M problems are not your fault alone.
The SSM was not your fault alone.
His A is not your fault and will never be your fault. This is HIS doing and his problem alone.
Right now, he is in the wrong and there is no justifying this selfish behavior. No more taking the blame.
OW is nothing and means nothing to you.
It is okay to feel angry, jealous, hurt, furious and anything you need to feel! Feel it and own those feelings -- they are your feelings!
There are safe people you can share your feelings with that won't judge you. Find them and cherish them.
You never have to compete with OW
There is no competition.
She is nothing to you.
It is not your job to convince him to stay.
You do not have to compromise your own needs or wants for him or any man.
You can take all the time and space you need.
You don't have to make any decisions or changes today.
There is always more time.
You do not have to share a bed with a liar and a cheater.
If he wants to leave for her, that is his choice and you can let him go.
He can own that decision and he can own the consequences of it.
He can break up his family if he chooses and you can still protect your castle and children. They will be okay.
You can still hold your head up high and you are still the queen.
I promise you will be okay with or without him there.
In time, this will work out for the best, eventually.
If over time you allow him back, or don't want him back, that is your own choice and no one elses opinion matters that much.
Life is long and complicated. Things will change for the bad, but also for the good.
In time, you can learn to love again and you will come out of this stronger.
You deserve love and respect.
Start by being the one to give that to yourself.
You can do this.

courtesy Blu, who I don't think will mind that I'm sharing this with you here. I just was looking back at my own threads from the fall and I was really in the same boat as you. I know it is really incredibly difficult. But you can do it.